It seems I owe an apology to a lot of films. I have panned many a family film on this blog. In the past year alone, I have torn into Jingle Jangle, The Boss Baby: Family Business, and Bobbleheads: the Movie, among others, but each one of those films understood that family films ought not to look creepy. Even Tom and Jerry, which failed on every level, even that terrible, terrible film understood that cinematography matters in a family film, because dark films and hideous unnatural creatures scare small children, or they completely repulse big children like myself. I have no idea what writer/director Matteo Garrone had in his mind when he shot Pinocchio, but even Tim Burton at his worst never made a film as hideous as this one.
This Pinocchio looks like something a childless parent might guess a child likes … like a Punch and Judy puppet show, candy cigarettes, or that movie where The Care Bears go to Hell. The production design reflects the imagination of either one who learned everything he knew about children from watching the video of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall” or somebody who grew up in a foreign country and had access to “The Little Rascals” 24/7, but didn’t understand it was a comedy.
Here’s my impression of the one and only pre-production meeting:
“You know, the original Pinocchio was kinda dark and creepy.”
“Yeah, but it could have been a lot creepier.”
“Really, how so?”
All right; you’ve now got a good idea of how this film was a visual failure; let me tell you how the screenplay failed as well.
Professional beggar Geppetto (Roberto Benigni) can’t find a job and is down to eating woodchips. But hey, a puppet show is in town and after spying the revolting anthropormorphs, Geppetto gets the bright idea to make one of his own! That’ll do it, G! Make a puppet and the money will come rushing through the door.
Turns out Geppetto acquired magic wood and his creation, Pinocchio (Federico lelapi –seriously? Your surname isn’t capitalized?) comes to life even before the carving has finished. Before you know it, there’s a vile puppet boy bounding all over the place and acting like a dick. To put Pinocchio into school, Geppetto sells a hat and coat to buy one of them thar fancy learnin’ books. Pinocchio suffers not one single moment of school, instead selling his book for entry to the puppet show.
And at the puppet show, Pinocchio is abducted, of course. Here’s the thing: the puppets are all real! They’re just amazed that Pinocchio has no strings. In fact, nobody seems terribly concerned that there’s a walking, talking wooden boy going around from place to place. Apparently, this happens all the time.
After temporarily demonstrating that Pinocchio is not a dick by willing to sacrifice himself for wooden puppets he just met, the film calls upon him to be a dick again and again. And in the mean time, the film introduces us to an entire barnyard of repulsive creatures. I’m not sure which turned my stomach more — The fish guy str
aight out of a Monty Python sketch? The snail-like caretaker woman? Oh, I know … Jiminy Cricket. Yeah, if I were Pinocchio, I wouldn’t listen to that guy, either – dude are you an insect or a human? Cuz this Gregor Samsa shit just ain’t workin’ for ya.
If they can give awards for make-up and costume design, can they take them away for demonstrable failures in cinematography and art design?
One the one hand, I don’t want to take away the achievements in make-up and costumes that the production design has earned. On the other hand, however, I have to ask myself: DO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN? When their children saw the storyboards or the dailies, were they proud of their parents? There is art design in this film that I would have found off-putting in 1970s era Soviet Russia. At the end of the day, I may even owe an apology to the Disney original. The 1940 tale of a naughty puppet dreaming of being a real boy was dark and disturbing, but at least it was palatable. I have no idea who sat through the Roberto Benigni version and wanted more, but –seriously-you need to get out more.
Your children might think you a meany
When you withhold a pancake or blini
You don’t need a flavor
To induce good behavior
You just need to threaten Roberto Benigni
Rated PG-13, 125 Minutes
Director: Matteo Garrone
Writer: Matteo Garrone, Massimo Ceccherini
Genre: Why are you watching this?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I can’t even tell; were the Oscar voters and quoted critics paid off?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Aesthetes
