Van Dammit. Were JCVD films always this bad? Did I just not notice? Wait. Of course I noticed. The last Jean-Claude Van Damme film I specifically paid for was Universal Soldier, which universally sucked.
In 2008, the aging action star made a weird and wonderful self-explorative part-fiction/part-documentary film called JCVD. So, I can be forgiven for indulging one Jean-Claude film every thirteen years now, right? Right!?
The Pink Panther has long since disappeared from screens, yet we’re still making fun of French law enforcement. The plot here begins when Inspector Buffoôn decides he’s gonna enforce the law today and takes a protection order off a protected citizen. Turns out the kid (Samir Decazza) was protected for good reason and exposing him to French jurisprudence triggers first the police, then the bad guys, and then his estranged father and legendary secret agent Richard Brumére (JCVD).
Brumére, a master of disguise and groin stretching, is something of a mythical revered figure in the law enforcement underground. He is known as “The Mist.” You sure that isn’t “The Missed?” ‘Cuz this character ain’t exactly firing on all cylinders, knowwhatI’msayin’? I’m still not sold on Brumére’s backstory … he’s a mercenary, but he never met his fully adult son because – he was busy? The whole time? Mercenaries don’t get days off? Pretty lousy set of contracts if you ask me.
Brumére is clearly not The Last Mercenary; there are still plenty of those around. I bet you could find some on Craig’s List. He is, however, an old mercenary. This film should have been titled The Old Mercenary. And it’s totally cool that the wrinkly, sixty-year-old Belgian kerfuffle still does his own stunts; he’s gotten to the Jackie Chan stage of his career – which is to say I’m not sure this guy is capable of carrying an action film any longer … this means we are watching this film for the acting. Hoo boy. Or “Mon Dieu!” as the case may be.
Then the plot showed up, which at one point involved overweight slug Inspector Buffoôn to scooter through Paris in his –gee, do the French have a word for- tighty whities? I suppose this is an attempt at humor; I mean, here’s a man who shouldn’t be undressed, you know, ever, scootering naked in Paris. I’m really not seeing the humor. Oh, JCVD just collected him an gave him an outfit to wear. Clothes are good. Now he’s an overweight middle aged man dressed as a teenager.
Geez, JCVD. This isn’t fun; just do the thing where you do the splits and punch a guy in the balls, ok? And … there it is. I guess the film isn’t a total loss.
I didn’t need to see this film. You don’t need to see this film. Nobody needs to see this film. And the coup de grace … subtitles. Except for the titles, The Last Mercenary is entirely in French. How much do you care what JCVD is saying? Think about it.
JCVD has come back
To fill that Belgian gap we lack
Not yet a geezer
He’s still got the pleaser
When he drops and punches you in the sack
Rated TV-MA, 110 Minutes
Director: David Charhon
Writer: David Charhon, Ismaël Sy Savané
Genre: A case for Inspector Clouseau
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Van Damminatrixes
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I wasn’t entertained by this in the 1990s”
