So let me get this straight: real life pro wrestling is fake, but animated fake pro wrestling is real. Am I understanding that correctly? That is the premise of today’s feature in which giant monsters dominate the alternate-reality landscape, but they do so only to beat the fluff out of other giant monsters in controlled cage matches.
In fact – and in a “are you sure there isn’t something subtly racist going on here?” way- this is a world that contains normal-sized humans and huge Godzilla-type monsters … however, while the humans can dream to be many things (ex. shop-owners, lawyers, business people, trainers, construction workers, etc.), monsters have exactly three professions: professional wrestler, professional wrestling commentator, and owner of professional wrestlers. Tell me that 
isn’t wrong.
Hey, also tell me I’m not wrong when the people gasp that a giant monster is “revealed” to be the son of another giant monster. You guys got, like, ten giant monsters in the film. And the citizens of Stoker were soooooo into their hero monster they didn’t remember he had a child, really? Pffffft.
The town of Stoker opens with a new hero, Tentacular (voice of Terry Crews). I’m confused by Tentacular’s somewhat abbreviated résumé, but apparently he’s big enough to get a title fight against the champ in monster wrestling. Monster wrestling is a lot like pro wrestling in that the competitors are gigantic monsters who talk trash constantly and coaches don’t know how to do their jobs … and it’s a lot like boxing in that there’s a ten count (not a three), and it’s completely fixed in the seedy underworld.
Winnie (Geraldine Viswanathan) is a human who –as the daughter of Stoker’s greatest legendary hero wrestler trainer- has ridiculous access to the fighters – like she actually gets to talk to Tentacular during his big match. Winnie points out the opponent has a “tell.” That’s a thing in wrestling, is it? Sure, why not? And when Tentacular wins with Winnie’s help, he then puts 
Stoker in his rearview mirror. In the wake of another hero lost, Stoker’s new stadium is now in trouble – because the edifice is now more profitable as a –get this- parking lot. If I didn’t make myself clear there, let me try again: The city of Stoker is into rasslin’. It put all its money into making a new stadium, but when the new hero bolts town, suddenly the stadium is in jeopardy? The newly built giant wrestling arena is going to be torn down in favor of a parking lot.
It’s fair to say I don’t understand this movie at all.
Doesn’t get better. Winnie takes it upon herself to find a new champion before the “torn down” deadline and finds Steve the Stupendous (Will Arnett), a stupendously bad wrestler who never wins a match because he’s paid to lose every.single.time. I see this alternate reality also doesn’t have an ethics commission; I’m surprised this sport has any rules at all. After pleading with literally every other monster, Winnie sells Steve on her plan to save Stoker’s arena, but only because Steve needs to beat town after Winnie accidentally got him to win a match. Again, where is the governing body this sport?
At this point, Rumble is another Rocky tale of the local underdog making good. Except even Rocky had an air of believability. Rumble does not. You can’t turn a flabby jackass who throws fights for a living into a contende
r in ninety days. Even in this world, that’s stupid. Just plain stupid.
None of that matters, of course. The questions are: “Will you like this film?” and “Will your kids like this film?” Personally, I bet kids will be much more drawn to Tentacular than Steve the Stupendous. And why not? He’s a better fighter to champion. Steve strikes me as the kind of guy who lives on your couch for three months before you kick him out. It doesn’t really matter how good a guy he is – and personally I say he’s not great- he’s destined to disappoint. And so is this film.
There once was a monster named Steve
Who lived to underachieve
Could the amorphous blob
Become more than a slob?
Yes, but popular? That I cannot believe
Rated PG, 104 Minutes
Director: Hamish Grieve (When you want to give somebody a Dickensian name, but forget you’re in the wrong century)
Writer: Hamish Grieve, Matt Lieberman
Genre: Big dumb monster fights
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of monsters and rasslin’, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of anything else
