They sure put a lot of effort into crap, don’t they? I’ve now reviewed four Hotel Transylvania films. I’ve given them five stars combined. I’m flabbergasted. I’m stunned. I’m dumbfounded at how you can make a series of comic films one after another with zero winning jokes.
And it’s not just that films aren’t funny. They profoundly unfunny. Their premises aren’t funny. And the jokes are so weak that the best part of these films is waiting for that moment where the characters stop telling jokes and “get real” with each other. Most readers and viewers will note this is usually the low point of any comedic film – the part where they feel obliged to resolve their “conflict.” In the Hotel Transylvania world, this is the best part.
Let’s start with some background so you can appreciate how tiresome this franchise is. Count Dracula (voice of Brian Hull, NOT Adam Sandler) is a vampire; he runs a hotel. That’s not exactly a fountain of comic gold. So they gave him a free-spirited vampire daughter (Selena Gomez). She attracted and married an idiot (Andy Samberg). A human idiot. In the hotel, there are several “monstrous” denizens – The Wolfman, Invisible Man, Mummy, Frankenstein’s monster. Three films have already exhausted whatever comic relief was to be had by these guys; I think it came down to the fact that Wolfman sired a litter. Last film, Drac took a cruise and acquired a wife. Ericka Van Helsing (yes, Van Helsing) was the plot for Hotel Transylvania: Summer Vacation, but is darn near MIA for this round.
Oh, but that’s ok, because this plot is driven by her great grand-father, Professor Van Helsing (Jim Gaffigan). Isn’t he a monster hunter? Did I sleep through that plot last film? Doesn’t matter. Point is there’s a big party and Drac is going to use it to announce he is giving the hotel to his daughter Mavis and the idiot. This is an act of pure generosity; Drac has neither duress nor obligation here … and, yet, he still screws it up. Oh, there’s a winning subplot. You see, Mavis overhears the intention and leaks it to the idiot and when the idiot confronts Dracula, the Count remembers that he’s dealing with an idiot and makes up some shit about the hotel needing to be owned by monsters.
So, naturally, the idiot goes in search of a monsterification machine and finds one (?!) Professor Van Helsing just so happens to have a ray gun that turns men to monsters and vice-versa. This is not only straight out of round table first draft land (“what if – hear me out- all the monsters were men and all the men were monsters?”), it doesn’t make any sense – the whole point of vampires is they appear human. Wolfman is a man 98% of the time. The Invisible Man is a man. 
Frankenstein’s monster is a man, just reanimated. The Mummy is a man wrapped in cloth. In each case, you’d have an easier time convincing me that that Don, Don Jr, Eric, and Ivanka are genuine monsters.
It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. The point was to make the human look like a monster and make the “monsters” look like humans, ha ha. The big punchline? The Invisible Man is naked when he turns into a man. That’s it. That’s what passes for humor in the world of Hotel Transylvania. I’m sure it will amuse your five-year-old for three seconds.
Hotel Transylvania: Transformania isn’t an evil film, but it sure doesn’t do any of the things you’d want it to do like deliver a stirring message of inclusion … or at least keep the young’uns occupied for a while. It’s possible it accomplishes the latter; there sure is a lot of color and lights and sounds and failed attempts at humor. Basically, the film is like watching a dormant pinball game. Without very few smiles for adults and an entire plot centering around the main character being a douchebag, well, you’re better off watching Clifford or something else instead. There are plenty of bad cartoons out there better than this one.
Dracula becomes human, oh no!
Yet it’s still far from stealing the show
If these monstrous forms
All turn into “norms”
How else will this franchise blow?
Rated PG, 87 Minutes
Director: Derek Drymon, Jennifer Kluska
Writer: Amos Vernon, Nunzio Randazzo, Genndy Tartakovsky
Genre: Cartoons that will make your kids say, “meh”
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The producers of said film
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Genuine monsters, offended at this exposé
