One of the secrets to making a cinematic treasure hunt is the loot has to look as fake as possible. Do you have some gold paint and a child’s tea set? Go for it. Shiny? Light? Plastic? Yup, just like the Spaniards who ruled the seas in the 16th Century. When it comes right down to it, what’s the point of “realistic,” anyway?
Now how do you feel about a man getting run over by a car while in an airplane?
One thing I never understand in treasure hunt adventures is why there’s always a timely rival. Gold bullion is hidden in the Marianas Trench for 500 years, but you can be five minutes too late? What’s up with that? Oh, and why don’t the parties of smarties just team up? $10 BILLION in gold can be spread A LOT of ways. Do you remember the beginning of Titanic? Those dudes took an entire aircraft carrier filled with IT dudes and slick underwater robots just to collect one lousy necklace.
So, seriously. I’m not kidding. How do you feel about a man getting run over by a car while in an airplane?
One acknowledging he’s not James Bond; the other that he’s not Vin Diesel, Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg went and made something resembling a James Bond/Fast & Furious film anyway full of silly stunts, sillier relationships, and treasure! Uncharted tells the ridiculous tale of lethal fortune-hunting historians out to capture “gold” “cleverly” “hidden” “by” “Magellan.”
Somebody is going to have to explain a whole lot of history to me before I take this film seriously for even ten seconds. As I understand this plot, Magellan had a bunch of gold … and he did WHAT with it? Left it WHERE? And NONE of his men returned and claimed it after he died? And it was still there 500 years later because WHY? Oh, yeah, HOW did he get it where he got it without anybody noticing? And WHO are you? The 17th generational direct descendent of Sir Francis Drake? Well, OK, I suppose I can believe that part, but don’t make me research it.
Nathan Drake (Holland) is a slick bartender making Manhattans in Manhattan when Victor Sullivan (Wahlberg) recruits him exactly like George Clooney recruits Matt Damon in Ocean’s Eleven. Drake doesn’t need convincing to go treasure hunting, but first he and Marky Mark have to pull a heist to collect some clues. This
leads to a big question: would you thieve a Sotheby’s auction in progress (there’s a –what?- 90% chance of being caught? 95%?) just to steal a priceless clue? Sure, of course you would.
How about if you knew the owner would kill you to get it back? In fact, the owner would kill other randos in the way just to have a shot at killing you to get it back. Sure, of course you would.
Did I mention this film is silly? It is. And there’s no chemistry in the odd dialogue between Holland and Wahlberg. Aw, hell, I liked this stupid film anyway. Maybe it’s my propensity to delight in puzzles and action together or maybe I just like this Spider-Man, but Uncharted was very watchable and occasionally enjoyable … if a completely eyerolling knock-off Furious/Bond/DaVinci Code from start to finish at the same time.
Is that good enough for you? God, I hope not. I’d call Uncharted a guilty pleasure, but that’s not quite it. Jackass Forever is a guilty pleasure; Uncharted is more like bad taste.
A story of limited artistic measure
About a throng searching blindly for treasure
Each clown in this mystery
Has his own take on history
Which, I guess, is part of the pleasure?
Rated PG-13, 116 Minutes
Director: Ruben Fleischer
Writer: Rafe Judkins, Art Marcum, Matt Holloway
Genre: Treasure!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Did you enjoy National Treasure?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Actual historians
