In the fall of 1982, NBC aired “Voyagers!” an immature version of “Quantum Leap.” It lasted one season. In the fall of 2021, HBO aired Voyagers, an immature version of Lord of the Flies. If anybody is talking about this film for more than a season, I will deliberately strand myself on an island of blood-thirsty children.
Intended to display the risks of putting human fate in the hands of teenagers, Voyagers succeeded only in displaying the risks of writing a screenplay for teenagers. To be fair, while the acting was bad, real bad, this film would not have been a winner even if written for adults. Voyagers is a film where the set-up lacked controversy, so they invented some … from outer space. And the results don’t work.
A standard “our screwed future” film, Voyagers takes place in the latter part of the 21st century. The Earth is becoming less inhabitable, so humans decide to stuff an ark with troubled teens headed for another planet we can screw up. To be fair, they weren’t troubled teens when the project started; they were genetically engineered orphans. Humanity put all its eggs in one basket, literally. The target planet is eighty-six years away (Honestly? Eighty-six years barely gets you out of our galaxy but current spaceship travel standards, but hey, it’s not my film or my science) so super genetic children were made to survive the trip, breed, and have colonizing grandchildren. And somehow, they came up with this cast.
Humanity’s best shot includes Tye Sheridan and Lily-Rose Depp? Who’s our worst shot?
Guiding the trip is Colin Farrell, who’s interest in the children is … a bit disturbing. However, he’s the only actor this film hired, so I’ll let him be.
Fast-forward to the awkward teen years and two of the pack of docile, robotic, rule-following kids suddenly realize their food has been spiked with downers. (Gotta hand it to a mission statement that prepared eighty-six years worth of tranquilizers) The two, Christopher (Sheridan) and Zachary (Fionn Whitehead) rebel and turn almost instantly into genuine teens. Five minutes later, Zach has gone full Trump: committing 
crimes left and right, sorting people into sycophants and enemies, and gaslighting the truth like FOX News on meth.
Turns out when there’s a group of twenty and one is a narcissistic sociopath, that makes for a bad time. Gee, film, like that’s a new piece of informartion. One narcissistic sociopath gave a country of 330 million a bad time for more than four years.
Voyagers was poorly acted and poorly considered. The kids all grew up together yet had no insight into each other at all … and no insight into science or strategy or longevity for that matter. Some Isaac Newtons you are. One tussle and you’re all arming like cavemen. Are you waiting for the big brains to show up, li’l Kahns? Beyond that, it wasn’t all that exciting and I found it hard to root for anybody. If this is humanity’s best shot at survival, I’m good with the death of our species.
A star voyage to save the human race
Punk teens are the best hope to replace
Survival in the works
If they’re gonna be jerks
I prefer these jokers all get lost in space
Rated PG-13, 108 Minutes
Director: Neil Burger
Writer: Neil Burger
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who have already given up hope
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Those who can’t stand child actors
