Once you go dark, it’s hard to come back to light. That’s probably true of any film, but it is especially noticeable in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, where wonder and delight have taken a back seat to terror and genocide. You can’t just introduce genocide and then follow with: “but Neville’s got a pet frog,” now, can you? Take 90% of the stills from this film and you might swear you were looking at a Batman prequel or something on that order. As the Potter clock winds toward WWII, the story is less about fun and more about the inevitable war to come. And it’s hard to see that this bloated, confusing, self-important franchise is any the better for it.
One of the secrets of Albus Dumbledore (Jude Law) is that he’s gay. I’m certain J.K. Rowling played this up in the film to paint herself as an ally despite her disgusting off-screen transphobia. The story is that a younger and more foolish Albus Dumbledore fell in love with the evil Lord/Doctor/Earl/Viscount/Baron von Grindelwald (Mads Mikkelsen) as they divvied up humanity for themselves, like teenagers always do. They even went so far as to make a non-aggression pact, which is sure to last at least –what’s the runtime here? 142 minutes? Let’s say 132 minutes; that’s how long their pact is going to last, I’m betting.
One of the biggest secrets here is that Dumbledore has a brother who also has a secret. It might be important to care at this point, but I didn’t. The truly important part is that Grindelwald is still on the loose, and now he’s running for office. Apparently, even though individual nations have their own ministries 
of magic, some sort of Burrito Supreme Magic Elderwand is elected in Bhutan by some sort of baby deer. Sorry, not a deer; it’s an immature Qilin (pronounced “chillin’ “ as in “I ain’t Qilin with this movie, Homes.”)
Are you following? Because these are the easy parts to understand. The biggest problem in Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore is that our writers have assumed we will remember everything that went down in the previous films, like that the film’s mind-reader, Queenie (Alison Sudol), went over to the dark side. Me: Huh, when did that happen? Oh, well, I’m sure the film will tell me. Hmmm. It didn’t. Or maybe it did. Honestly, I couldn’t tell.
And what of our hero, Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne)? Did the film about Dumbledore give the Fantastic Beastkeeper anything to do? A little, including just about the only true moment of levity in 142 minutes … which occurs in a dungeon while a scary building-sized scorpion monster shreds inmates at random. Levity might be in the remaining eye of the beholder, dig?
The plot of Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore revolves around a small band of lovable scamps trying to make sure the holocaust doesn’t happen. It’s certainly a lofty goal. Oh, and check it out, there’s even a part where Gindelwald is exonerated, nay acquitted, Trump-impeachment style, for his crimes. I like that touch, although it seems out of place. Grindelwald is either the most powerful or
second most powerful wizard of his age and he’s a megalomaniac; what does he care of international tribunals … or even being named Grand Poobah of the World for that matter? Unlike Trump, Grindelwald doesn’t seek power to assuage his massive-yet-oh-so-fragile ego, hence the whole plot seems pretty contrived.
I didn’t dislike Secrets of Dumbledore as much as I’m protesting here. After I got over the parts that confused me, it was watchable enough. And yet, there’s a monumental disappointment in knowing where the Hogwarts world has traveled. Harry Potter films were fun … and when they weren’t just fun, they were riveting. Now? Show me a reason to care about any character in the world of Fantastic Beasts. Once upon a time, I wanted Harry and Ron and Hermione to find happiness … and I cared about their friends and families. I walked into Secrets of Dumbledore a blank slate; I had completely forgotten every.single.moment of the films that preceded this one; I couldn’t even tell you how many there were.
And you know what? The exact same thing is going to be true the next time the next time I enter a theater expecting to see another iteration of the Fantastic Beasts saga. Once upon a time, Harry Potter ruled the world. In the future, these films may not even rule a box office opening weekend.
Foolish Frog, my viewing is uninspired
For I did not realize pre-knowledge was required
I’m not saying there’s regret
But here’s my Dumbledore secret:
As of now, the franchise should be retired
Rated PG-13, 142 Minutes
Director: David Yates
Writer: J.K. Rowling, Steve Kloves
Genre: The Harry Potter Cash Cow Round-up
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: J.K. Rowling
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Whimsy enthusiasts
