Leave it to Michael Bay to take an unimpressive Danish action film from 2005 and say, “you know what the problem here is? It just isn’t American enough.” Sure, that’s the problem. Let’s blow some crap up and treat everybody involved as if El Lay has never seen a high speed chase before. Is Michael Bay’s middle name “Collateral Damage?” because that’s the only way the style makes sense.
As a movie critic, I live for the moment over an hour in when SoCal’s “best” EMT and the shooter … and the victim himself all discover “OH, there’s another bullet in [me/him].” Who wrote this? Now, in all fairness, I’ve never been shot before, so sure, it might be a little distracting, but if you have one bullet in your leg and one in your chest, wouldn’t you … I dunno … NOTICE?! And, clearly, I’ve also never been an EMT, so I’m sure that job is tough and things get missed. But if you’ve been working on the same guy for, say, an hour, and he’s been shot in the leg and in the chest wouldn’t you … I dunno … NOTICE?!
Perhaps I’ll start from the beginning. Will Sharp (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II … dude, if you’re gonna keep landing starring roles, you gotta shorten the name) is an Army veteran in need of a non-bankrupting medical care system. Good luck, pal. This is the United States.
Once again in American film, we have a golden opportunity to point out exactly how much our quality of life would improve with universal health care … and, once again, we act as if this is a normal problem – which it is, but among first world nations? Only here.
It just so happens that Will’s brother Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a master thief planning a bank heist. In retrospect, I have nothing but problems with that premise … if he’s robbed 37 banks, why isn’t he in custody? Why is he recruiting on the day of the heist? And if he’s such a master at this, why did he have no exit strategy? In fact, how did he think he could possibly get away with the heist without removing all the bank cameras? And, I’m sorry movie, I hear you belittling the character who asks this, but “does anybody still rob banks?” is a very legitimate question in 2022. Obviously, the answer is “yes,” but no bank robber in 2022 expects a payday of $32 M and –especially- no bank robber in 2022 expects to get away with it. There are many, many safeguards against exactly this brand of theft, including cameras, time locks, and floor-to-ceiling plexiglass. Bank robberies for insane amounts of $$$ are things that really don’t happen anymore.
Putting that quibble aside, Danny’s gang runs into a problem when Officer Zach (Jackson White) decides to interrupt the robbery by hitting on a teller. Again, WTF century are you living in? Hitting on a bank teller is no different than hitting on a waitress; it’s just not cool. She’s trying to work and you’ve misinterpreted professional friendly for sexual availability – and even if you haven’t, it’s still not cool.
OK, let me put that quibble aside, too. Bottom line, heist goes south, exit strategy nowhere to be found. Crew that was assembled 
ten minutes before going … only Michael Bay could present this as plausible. Officer Zach gets shot in the confusion and brothers Danny and Will hijack the Ambulance to exit the scene. This is where we get to know more about EMT Cam Thompson (Eiza González, which is Spanish for “Megan Fox”).
Hoo boy, this is a dumb film. It’s like somebody wanted to put a heist, a car chase, a hostage situation, and a life-saving emergency all in the same place. And being Michael Bay, well, some shit has gotta get blown up, too. Let’s add in some gratuitous violence. Sure, why not? And let’s extend the hot pursuit to the length of Speed, because otherwise the film might end sensibly and without a body count in the dozens.
Ambulance is decidedly a retrospect hate. It is entirely possible while watching the film to pretend you are watching Speed. It is also entirely possible that you will get eyeball strain from the massive amounts of eyerolling you will endure while watching this film. There is a 100% chance that anyone watching will say, “Why don’t the police just do _________?” And the answer is: “Because, my friend, then the film might end and end reasonably.”
With the success of the heist wearing thin
Two brothers hijack a health care wagon
Finding “exit” from fray
Only in El Lay
Are you safer outside the Ambulance than in
Rated R, 136 Minutes
Director: Michael Bay
Writer: Chris Fedak
Genre: Michael Bay to the rescue
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who think they’re watching Speed
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who know they are not
