Duuuuuuuuude! Dunn Duh Dunn Dunn Duh Duh!! METAL RULEZ!! From Bill & Ted to Beavis & Butt-head, the modern entertainment world has not lacked for characters known primarily for their devotion to guitar licks and little else … so what’s one or two more, right?
Well you’re not gonna believe this, but this story is about high school boys. I know, I know; your head is blown, right? “Love of metal demonstrated by high school boys? You’re kidding, right?! Next, you’re gonna tell me the kids are white. Unbelievable.”
The two boys in question are Hunter Sylvester (Adrian Greensmith) and Kevin Schlieb (Jaeden Martell). And –truth be told- the love only starts with Hunter. Hunter is a very talented guitarist but an absolute pain-in-the-ass. Gatherer, er, I mean Kevin, is a geek. Kevin has marching band drum skillz, but doesn’t know jack about music not written by John Philip Sousa. Luckily for Kevin, drumming is a translatable skill; as long as he works at it, he can form the other 50% of Skullf***er. Yes, Skullf***er. You should see their logo.
Being the lone metal kid in school, and a fairly hostile one at that, Hunter never lacks for social problems. The movie theorizes that Hunter is one who repels automatically for fear of rejection. My theory is the kid is bored and just can’t make it a day without picking a fight he can’t win. After insulting the kinda decent band at a party for popular people, Hunter is told that differences can be settled at the upcoming Battle of the Bands.
Aside from mild-mannered Kevin trying to both appease and protect his unstable bandmate at the same time, the controversy of this duo is “how do we become a trio?” Skullf***er needs a bassist 
to stabilize their sound. The obvious answer is Scottish import Emily (Isis Hainsworth) who grabs Kevin’s attention first by erupting at band practice for her lack of skill with the clarinet, and then by erupting with musical talent in a private session with the cello. Bass? Cello? It’s all the same, right?
As both the talent and the band’s volcano, Hunter would much rather emulate the White Stripes’ duo than add a female … yet another endearing characteristic about the guy.
Metal Lords has too much Hunter and far too much Hunter-being-Hunter to squeak into the consistently fun category … and if a film like this isn’t fun, what’s the point of watching it? For the music? Pffft. Kevin and Emily were reasonable enough for me not to hate the film, but somebody really, really should have read the script or watched the dailies and said, “we need to find Hunter’s softer side much sooner.” As is, I can recommend this film only to metal heads, and similar material has (obviously) been covered much better.
Here’s a movie for your average metal head
About some kids who just love to amp and shred
The boys are making plans
For Battle of the Bands
Wait. Are you sure I’m not watching Bill & Ted?
Rated R, 97 Minutes
Director: Peter Sollett
Writer: D.B. Weiss
Genre: Today’s genre can be described not in words but simply the first eight bars of “Metal Health” by Quiet Riot
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Metal Heads
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Their parents
