“Posture, Northman, posture!” is what ran through my head every time I saw Alexander Skarsgård slouch. And as The Northman, Alexander Skarsgård slumps more than the Cleveland Browns. It made me wonder if he slouches while getting jacked at the gym, like he’s embarrassed for being muscular or tall. I likely will never know.
Slumping into theaters recently is the gritty and bleak tale of Viking revenge, The Northman. It’s about a tribal boy prince whose uncle murders his father to usurp the throne and we spend the tale thinking about how the boy gets his revenge … but don’t call it “Shakespearean,” because it’s actually derived from the original Danish tale of Amleth (which inspired Shakespeare as well).
Uncle Fjölnir (Claes Bang) murders dad, the local lord/king (Ethan Hawke) in an efficient little coup, and l’il Amleth, The Northman, escapes in a rowboat to become the muscular and broody Alexander Skarsgård, which is a neat little coup, too. No one calls him “Amleth.” I didn’t note his name until Act III. In fact, there’s not a whole lot of speech in this film. There is a whole lot of dreary. This is one of these worlds that lives in black and white even when there’s color.
Amleth’s new tribe are totally into invasion and in the wake of a good pillage, Amleth might have worked his way up to middle management. However, Amleth ain’t about personal glory; his whole life is about vengeance. So instead of wallowing in the spoils, he follows a magical rumor and hops aboard a slaver to Iceland, posing as property.
And then Olga (Anya Taylor-Joy) shows up to remind us she has blonde hair. This is treasured in a world of gray. “Olga?” Don’t call her “Ophelia.” Tell me … when this tale is told in Spain, is her name “Olivia?” In Italy, is it “Octavia?” In Australia, is it “Odwalla?”
This picture is the brainchild of writer/director Robert Eggers, who specializes in overrated bleakness. Did you love The Witch? Did you love The Lighthouse? Well I didn’t. I don’t wish to pan The Northman, but I kept urging the film to show me something I want to see. No, not something artsy. I see you have great vision and a
wonderful cinematographic style. But would it kill you to put anything on camera I actually want to see? Hmmmm?
To me, The Northman feels like a first draft. A lot like a first draft. Like Shakespeare was just mulling around an idea and sounding it off friends – “ok, I have this guy ‘Amlet’ and he’s the son of the king. But his uncle kills his father and now Amlet just wants revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. He lives revenge; he breathes revenge. What do you say we make him, like, Scandinavian or a Viking or something? And he wants revenge so badly, he forces himself into slavery in Iceland.” (Mull that around in your head for a bit; he wants revenge SO BADLY, he chooses slavery in Iceland to being a warlord … anywhere else.) “Oh, and there’s a woman … Oneida? Orinda? Onandaga? Something like that; I haven’t figured out what to do with her yet. Or his mom. Hmmm, do we make her an opportunist? Maybe have a little Oedipal thing thrown in? And let’s have a witch and a weird destiny thing like I did in MacBeth. Yeah, that will work, maybe. Revenge.”
Hamlet is one of my favorite pieces of English literature; one of the reasons being it feels like the finished product. The Northman isn’t. I might respect this film, but I will never love it, see it again, or encourage others to see it.
The barbarian was probably Norse
And his plan involve lethal force
When allowed to be free
He chose slavery
Because bloody revenge is the fashion, of course
Rated R, 137 Minutes
Director: Robert Eggers
Writer: Sjón, Robert Eggers
Genre: Drunk Shakespeare
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Eggers McMuffiners
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People that want their sagas to be, I dunno, entertaining?
