This film is what happens when you set out to emulate Quentin Tarantino and end up emulating Guy Ritchie. That isn’t bad; in fact I liked much of Bullet Train, an ambitious, violent thriller that enjoys wrapping things up almost as much Santa’s elves.
Meet Ladybug (Brad Pitt), a professional criminal by trade with both a handler and a therapist. Ladybug is reeling from a string of bad luck and, therapist-influenced, has concluded that, despite his badass skill set, he’s interested in strictly non-violent crime. He takes a very zen approach to his work, which is a novel and refreshing take on criminal activity. I’d like to say he’s on the Bullet Train from Tokyo to Kyoto for anagram reasons, but the truth is he’s there to steal a briefcase which he does in laughably easy fashion from professional hitters Lemon and Tangerine (Brian Tyree Henry and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, both sporting Kick Ass working-class English accents for the film).
While it would be great if Ladybug could exit the train immediately with the goods, the movie might end on the spot. And his first exit path is blocked by The Wolf (Benito A. Martinez Ocasio aka Bad Bunny), a professional heavy assassin with a vendetta specifically against Ladybug. Now how is a pacifist supposed to deal with that, huh? And this only one level of intrigue. In another section of train, The Prince (Joey King) has taken a hostage, Yuichi Kimura (Andrew Koji), for the purpose of extortion. Also The Elder (Hiroyuki Sanada) needs to intervene as the father of the hostage and grandfather of a secondary target. And Lemon and Tangerine have one other purpose beside the briefcase; they need to babysit The Son (Logan Lerman). And it’s possible there are more assassins involved. And all of this is happening because of a Russian Crime Boss who goes by “The White Death” (I’m not even going to spoil this one; you’ll have to guess who plays White Death if you don’t know already.)
There are several running themes in Bullet Train, and I’m a fan of all of them: one is Ladybug can’t seem to get off the train no matter what happens. Another is Ladybug keeps getting put into situations where he’d like to talk his way out of conflict, but realizes he cannot. Yet another is people keep dying ugly and violently. Still another is the Bullet Train station breaks which last exactly a minute long and cover a lot of ground for a stationary vehicle, if you know what I mean.
Oh, and there’s a deadly boomslang snake on the loose. Snakes on a Train? Where have I heard that before?
Is Bullet Train a little clumsy? Yes, it is. At points, it will remind you [read: me] less of a crime thriller and more of the Marx brothers assassination caper Monkey Business. And you may not love how everything in the film gets
wrapped up in a tidy, compartmentalized bento box. Nor did I love the conspicuous dearth of Japanese people on the Japanese train traveling from Japan to Japan through Japan. That said, it is very rare when you find a screenplay so set on coming full circle that it will resolve, literally, everything there is to resolve. In this fashion, it reminded me even less of Tarantino or Ritchie and more of 2 Days in the Valley.
I cannot say Bullet Train was overly charming or world-beating or anything spectacular, but it was fun and engaging (what more do you want?) If you like Brad Pitt getting to be Brad Pitt while crazy crap happens around him, this is kind of a must see.
Post note: Hard to miss the celebrity cameos in this film. I spied both Channing Tatum and Sandra Bullock which means that Pitt, Tatum and Bullock were all together in multiple films in 2022. Awwww, were you guys COVID buddies?
On a train approaching the speed of sound
There’s criminality festering all around
Concentrate on one
And soon you’ll be done
By the snake hiding in the background
Rated R, 127 Minutes
Director: David Leitch
Writer: Zak Olkewicz
Genre: A Japanese movie that almost has Japanese people in it!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of crime thrillers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Critics, it would seem
