Goku is a grandfather?! Am I understanding that correctly? In American terms, this is like finding out that Spider-Man is a grandfather. At last look, the orange-jumpsuited Goku had the hair of a Chia pet and the discipline of a middle school boy during recess. I think Goku is the most powerful of the Dragonballers, but –honestly- it’s impossible to tell because I’ve never seen a group of superheroes with a less defined skill set. And the battles reflect such; while it’s fairly easy to tell who is winning and who is losing; it’s generally impossible to gauge exactly how damaging any given blow is in the Dragonball world.
Anyway, Goku isn’t in this one. Well, he is but not really. He’s off on planet Trinitron sharing tips with Broly on hair care. Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero, the best title EVER, is about the re-rise of the Red Ribbon Army, originally defeated by Goku in an episode that was probably exactly like this one, because, let’s face it, Dragon Ball adventures vary about as much as episodes of “The Brady Bunch.” Even thought the Red Ribbon Armt returns now, Goku -clearly available- has not been asked to participate for reasons known only to Dragonballer. Hence, it’s hard to take this film seriously on any level.
Evil bossman Magenta, who I guess is like “Cher” or “Beyonce,” is the guy behind reviving the Red Ribbon Army. First he has to recruit the paste-eating grandson of the original architect. Dr. Hedo is in jail for grave-robbing because of course he is. And while Dr. Nerdo is initially repulsed by Magenta, the young physician/inventor/mad scientist is easily plied with an endless supply of Oreos. Before long, Dr. Hedo is makin’ evil robots that rival the powers of the Dragonballers.
The first evil robot attacks Piccolo, the Great Gazoo of Dragonballers. How
does one attack Piccolo? With a bass guitar, I’m guessing. This actually saves Piccolo the embarrassment of continuing to tell Gohan (Goku’s son) to pick up his own damn daughter at day care. After the attack, Piccolo decides he needs to level up and then go undercover in Red Ribbon HQ.
How does one level up in the Dragon Ball world? Well, it’s easy, you simply collect all the magic balls, and they summon a wish dragon. Piccolo dreams of being, I dunno, a clarinet I guess. And then, if Dragon Ball didn’t lose me before, it loses me here: the dragon allows for two more wishes. Piccolo defers to Bulma, who is a cross between a matriarch and a vixen; is she 25 or 55? Admittedly, I have no idea how anime works. Bulma wishes for, quite literally, longer lashes and a tighter ass. I am not making this up. Given the world of grantable wishes, Bulma asks for mild cosmetic improvements.
See, now this it what qualifies for humor in the Dragon Ball realm, but I can’t help thinking this is both pathetic and sexist. The guy wants to be superman; the girl wants longer lashes. Wow. Really? And neither of you asked the dragon simply to eliminate the threat? I mean, isn’t that the
pressing need?
Aside from being the best title ever, Dragon Ball Super: Super Dragon Ball delivers the standard Dragon Ball formula: some mirth, an existential threat, the challenge, and then a 40-minute fight sequence with a lot of flashing lights and virtually no damage assessment. I find this series tolerable when it engages in personality debates, but when the fighting comes, so does the snoring.
The newest of these franchise installs
Has enemies climbing out of the walls
Admittedly, to my shame
It all looks quite the same
Maybe I just lack Dragon Balls
Rated PG-13, 100 Minutes
Director: Tetsuro Kodama
Writer: Akira Toriyama
Genre: The frenetic world of battling anime
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dragonballers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Strunk and White
