Once upon a time, there was a woman the world loved. Well, most of the world loved her; others were jealous. She lived a public life. She lived a noisy life. She lived a tragic life. And then she died too young. And then the world immortalized her … as it tends to do with pretty public people who die too young.
And then there came the art. Unlike the woman, there’s no time limit on the art. It will happen again and again and again. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s Blonde.
Before you attempt to watch Blonde, ask yourself one question: Do you really want to pity Marilyn Monroe for three hours? Cuz I don’t. Well, I didn’t, but I watched anyway.
This is one of those films I can’t believe got past the dailies. Is this really all all you want to show about Marilyn (Ana de Armas) … frown after frown after frown? And what is it the film is trying to say, exactly? “Marilyn Monroe had a tough life?” I think we knew that one already. Heck, Elton John wrote an entire song about it. Do you have any idea how shitty your life has to be before a pop star puts it to music? Anybody? Anybody? Luka, I see you hiding in the back. You look like you’ve been in some kind of trouble, some kind of fight. Hey buddy, how are you?
This biopic went back to early Norma Jeane Mortenson when the girl receives a picture for her seventh birthday. Not exactly that pony she wanted I’m guessing. Mom says it’s a picture of her never-seen father, but who knows? Mom is a nut job; next scene she –while wearing only a nightgown- drags Norma out of bed to go visit “dad” in the middle of a raging wildfire. These scenes went on too long.
I really wish the movie got better once Marilyn became an adult and then got famous and all. It did not. She gets her big break in film through
rape. She is inspired in her first role by pretending she’s her crazy and negligent mother and she is abused physically and verbally throughout her adult life. Even Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio, the love of her life, gives her a jolt or two – although most probably just to extend a hitting streak of some kind.
Blonde exists for little reason other than to make a star of Ana de Armas. The brutal voyeurism into the secret life of Marilyn sure doesn’t exist to show us what a fun rollercoaster her life was like … but neither does it change anything we already thought about the woman. Does Ana de Armas deserve our praise? She makes a decent Marilyn. I swear I heard her Cuban accent in there a time or two, but mostly we accept her as Marilyn. And there’s no question Ana went to the mat for this role. How much abuse do you have to take in shooting to get three depressing hours on film, huh? I wish the ratio of palatable to non were not microscopic.
Here’s a story time never forgot
About an uncanny American sexpot
Seeing her fray
All bared for display
I conclude nothing but “some like it not”
Rated NC-17, 167 Minutes
Director: Andrew Dominik
Writer: Andrew Dominik
Genre: Why?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ana de Armas’ agent
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who don’t want to be depressed
