In 1993, some film producers realized that most Halloween-themed video offerings were either scary or funny … so they came up with the somewhat revolutionary idea at the time of making one that is neither scary nor funny. The result was Hocus Pocus, a strangled exercise in patience while waiting for the film to end. The idea was that three original Salem witch sisters, Winifred, Mary, and Sarah Sanderson (Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker) were transported through time to wreak havoc on modern day Salem.
Without being amusing, charming, or the slightest bit entertaining, Hocus Pocus managed to convince a healthy throng of taste-challenged misguided saps that Halloween not only requires a non-threatening iconic film, but somehow, this one was it. What’s that noise you hear? It’s my eyes rolling back in my head. Yes, it’s so loud, you can hear it on the other side of this review.
Very recently, a group of people with far more money than taste decided it was time once again to resurrect the Sanderson sisters for another Salem adventure. I can only guess the people who saw the original saw a different film than the one I saw … because it’s hard to mistake the fact that Bette Midler’s buck teeth represented the apex of the comedy offered in Hocus Pocus. The same, unfortunately, is true of the sequel.
Hocus Pocus 2 offered prequel before sequel; we go all the back to 1653 Salem where li’l big teeth Winifred is banished from the town for insubordination. Gotta say, this is the least violent Salem mob I’ve ever seen. In the “forbidden forest,” they meet Dumbledore or maybe Minerva McGonigal … somebody who gives Winifred and her loyal-to-a-fault sisters a big book of spells including one so ugly, the book doesn’t even want to do it. (Well, then, why praytell is the spell in the book in the first place?)
It doesn’t matter. Very little in this film matters. For one thing, the Sanderson sisters (in heavy, heavy makeup for Midler, Najimy, and the corpse of Sarah Jessica Parker) are summoned, again, to modern day Salem
by a character who can’t voice why he did it. These three witches, “the most powerful coven in world history” are subsequently thwarted by a trio of teen girls who didn’t even know they were witches. Apparently “powerful” is a word that holds a different meaning to some of us. Most importantly, however, the film can’t decide whether the Sanderson sisters are good or bad. I’m not kidding. It constantly wants them to be both depending on scene.
The key to this film is overacting. Hocus Pocus 2 is a clinic on how not to act in a film. Also, I couldn’t tell you really what the film was supposed to be, nor who would be considered the lead character … is it the lead witch? Is it one of the noob girls? Is it mayor Tony Hale? Is it all of them? Is it none of them? Obviously, Bette Midler is the biggest name in the cast, and she gets the most attention … but as we can’t really determine her morality or motivations for most of the film, one has to wonder if this is the person we’re supposed to be following. Halloween in general makes a lousy PG holiday; evil doesn’t half-ass things; it’s either threatening or it isn’t.
Was there anything I liked about the film? I will say my loathing wasn’t strong; it was as tepid and shallow as the characters themselves. And I mildly enjoyed Mary acquiring two Roombas in lieu of a broomstick. Is that good enough for a recommendation? Dude, it was barely worth reading that sentence.
A sequel! Why isn’t that sweet?
To Halloween’s most mediocre conceit
I don’t want to fight
But in your search for delight
This one is far more trick than treat
Rated PG, 103 Minutes
Director: Anne Fletcher
Writer: Jen D’Angelo, David Kirschner, Blake Harris
Genre: An evening of Bette Midler’s overacting
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The random sub-ten-year-old who knows the words to “Wind Beneath My Wings”
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The reasonable
