Sometimes being a movie critic is fun; I can have the time of my life ripping a shitty film to shreds. I tell myself they deserve it for making such a cynical, poorly-considered piece of trash. And then there are days like this in which being a critic is no fun. I, truly and sincerely, don’t want to pan A Christmas Story Christmas. This is film in which we revisit touching moments and remember characters and scenes we loved. This is a film in which current bullies get their comeuppance while reformed bullies get a redemption arc. So it brings me no pleasure to report that this walk down memory lane is a pile of crap. Well, if I’m being honest, not NO pleasure. I am a monster, after all.
I dunno what Peter Billingsley did with himself in between the pink bunny suit and today, but he clearly Pokemon-ed up into a larger, nerdier version of himself, if that’s possible. Summoned to his childhood home due to the death of his father, grown up Ralphie (Billingsley) is determined to give his children the kind of Christmas he remembers. Let’s hope his kids don’t have Ralphie’s single-minded determination; that could make for a loooooooong Christmas.
A Christmas Story Christmas is, of course, a sequel to A Christmas Story, one of the most beloved holiday films ever created. It takes place in 1973, 33 years after the original, but that hasn’t stopped the writers, producers, and director from squeezing every last drop of joy out of the original. A lot of this film is a misplaced joke and then a wistful memory of what happened in the better version. For instance, now we have new Bumpus Hounds taunting Ralphie’s family; except they seem much tamer by comparison. In the case of the hounds, we might actually have to draw upon our memories, but much of this film is flashback snippets of A Christmas Story which will prompt the question again and again and again: Why aren’t you just watching A Christmas Story?
The “plot” here, for lack of a better word, is that Ralphie is now a writer and he’s taken a full year off to complete his great American novel. Like many novels in movies, it’s a pile of shit. Ralphie is running out of time on his experiment and he’s now promised his kids a great Christmas. Apparently, this will involve time travel as one of the kids wants Hungry Hungry Hippos. Let’s not go there.
A few folks are new to this world, including Ralphie’s wife (Erinn Hayes), mother (Julie Hagerty) , and children (of course); in addition, the film returns many of the people we haven’t seen since 1983. I find it both sad and hilarious that so many people love A Christmas Story, but the film made a star out of exactly nobody. You can spend a lot of your time in A Christmas Story Christmas saying, “oh yeah, it is that guy” and then shrugging and moving on. None of these are important actors; none of these are important moments.
One of the big problems with A Christmas Story Christmas is that the original film already had a stylized nostalgic feel; we KNEW we were watching an exaggerated version 
of reality. In real life, can you honestly imagine more than one person telling li’l Ralphie “you’ll shoot your eye out” when he explains what he wants for Christmas? In the film, even Santa gets in on the joke. The scenes of Farkus bullying and essay composing and foul-mouthery showed verisimilitude but weren’t 100% genuine. That was part of the joy of the film. We knew it; the film knew it. We were exploring a child’s memories and we adored his version of the world.
A Christmas Story Christmas is told from the perspective of an adult. An adult sadly centered in strict reality. It makes every moment duller and every smile a question. In the film, Ralphie’s wife and two children are all taken to the hospital with serious injuries (while Ralphie himself remains unscarred); that’s cringeworthy without me even even needing to go into detail. One of my favorite bits is when carolers come to haunt the Parker residence. Grandma ducks for cover and eventually pulls a war-scarred “save yourselves” line – which is indeed funny, however, because the situation is grounded in reality and not flawed memory, one can’t help feeling a little sorry for the carolers. The scene just don’t work as well as it might have. Mostly, A Christmas Story Christmas just isn’t funny. And whenever it knows it isn’t funny, it hops on a memory of the original. A Christmas Story Christmas feels like the tribute band for A Christmas Story and should be treated exactly as such. There’s a few sweet moments in this film. I’m not going to deny it; it’s why I hate panning the thing, but if you are inclined to see A Christmas Story Christmas, just watch A Christmas Story again and thank me later.
Ralphie Parker returns to his old haunt
Trying to give the Christmas that he would want
But it’s all just for show
Joy happened long ago
At least now there’s no Chinese restaurant
Rated PG, 98 Minutes
Director: Clay Kaytis
Writer: Nick Schenk
Genre: Peter Billingsley
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The Christmas desperate
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Why did you make a sequel?! Why?”
