Sometimes not dying is a problem. I’d never wish death upon anybody, of course, but … Lindsay Lohan could have been this generation’s James Dean if only her career-ending fiasco had actually ended her career. Had she left the world with simply The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls to her credit, we could have loved her forever.
But Lindsay didn’t die. And whether or not her implosion was her fault, the current output of Lindsay’s career is a sad joke, and getting sadder with each painful reminder as to how we once felt about her. Right now, Lindsay Lohan starring in romantic Christmas drivel on Netflix is a step up … and that’s why I’m here to tell you about Falling for Christmas.
Did you know that dozens of Christmas movies are made every year? These are the good ones. :shudder: My blog could be 100% Christmas themed films and I could still have the same amount of content. Sure, I’d be bored silly and borderline suicidal … but I could generate the same amount of content.
In MAGA cinema theme of the week, Falling for Christmas asked us to feel for Jake Russell (Chord Overstreet), the poor, hapless owner of a ski resort. Hey, ski resort owners need our love, too. I guess. The bigger, fancier resort next door has taken all of Jake’s business. (Isn’t that just capitalism, Jake? Shouldn’t we be applauding it?) Naturally, Jake and his much wealthier rival (Jack Wagner) try to settle this the way white people did in the 1980s: with a ski race. None of that resonates.
Meanwhile, in another film, the wealthy dude’s spoiled daughter Sierra (Lohan) is busy being spoiled when she falls off a cliff in the wilderness and skis head-first into a tree. When she wakes, she is a guest of Jake –did I mention Jake is a widower, what were the odds?- and has movie-grade amnesia, i.e. she can’t remember who she is, but seems to remember that she’s a snob. Can these two crazy kids make a Christmas romance happen before Sierra starts remembering stuff? Is that even a question? Have you ever watched a Christmas film before?
The first half of this film was dreadful. Not a single winning character or joke … and not for lack of trying. There was one winning throwaway moment when
Sierra get excited for “Jingle Bell Rock” on the radio. Oh, so the people who made this film have seen at least one other film (Mean Girls), have they? How … interesting. I wouldn’t want to hang four scenes on this moment like Falling for Christmas did … but it’s nice to know that within this sea of crisp wintry dead air, the producers did recognize a good joke even if none were written.
Luckily for … me, I suppose, Christmas movies all end better than they start; that’s why we watch them. Because all Christmas romance ends with love and happiness and Christmas. Will you place Jake as the blonde kid from “Glee?” Will you place Sierra as an actress we once cared about? Will the spirit of the season captured within the film thaw your frozen heart?
Unlikely, maybe, and no.
More importantly: was it worth watching Falling for Christmas to remember how brightly Lindsay’s star once shown?
Also no. But I don’t regret it as much as I did one hour in.
The owner of the ski lodge did court
That woman with the memory abort
Will her mind return
And his plans all burn?
I sure hope this isn’t his last “resort”
Rated TV-13, 93 Minutes
Director: Janeen Damian
Writer: Jeff Bonnett
Genre: Christmas crap
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People addicted to the Hallmark channel
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People wondering what they did to deserve this
