The story of Pinocchio sucks. I’ve seen four different Pinocchio retellings in the past two years and while they all add something to offer, this conclusion is inescapable: the story of Pinocchio just ain’t that compelling. He’s a living puppet; he wants to be a real boy – yes, that part is compelling. What isn’t compelling? Literally everything else. That’s why they added music.
The most problematic part of the traditional Pinocchio story is Fantasy Island -or whatever the Hell it’s called- where the greedy li’l punks turn donkey for being selfish little assholes. I have always thought it messed up for Pinocchio, an absolute noob having literally born last week, to be subject to hedonistic penalties before he can even tell a splinter from a tumor. He just found out what life is and you’re already telling him, “but you’re not allowed to enjoy it.” What is this, The Bible?
Guillermo del Toro and crew got around the problematic Boyz2Donkz gambit by placing this animated Pinocchio in WWII. The foil this time around is not a series of grifters; it’s a series of fascists, including Benito Mussolini himself who shows up at the puppet show.
You really would think I’d enjoy the anti-fascist bent to this Pinocchio, wouldn’t you? It really seems like I should…instead it just seems out-of-place. I suppose Pinocchio being lured into the Italian version of “Hitler Youth” is no sillier that Pinocchio being lured to an island of hedonistic pleasure for the purposes of child slavery … but I feel like these are both ideas that should have been revised in the storyboarding phase.
I suppose I’ve told this a little out-of-sequence. Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio tells a similar tale to the Pinocchio you know – woodcutter Gepetto (voice of David Bradley) carves a wooden puppet and wishes it were a real boy to compensate for the one he lost to the last war (this Gepetto gets a ton of backstory). A blue fairy (Tilda Swinton) –who is more of a sphinx in this telling- visits, grants the wish giving Pinocchio (Gregory Mann) life, and strong-arms a cricket (Ewan McGregor) to guide the silly animated block of wood through life.
Usually, Pinocchio looks like a boy. The clever stop-motion here never made that mistake; Pinocchio remains wooden head-to-toe for the entire film. This is actually a good idea as we never get 
caught up in pretending Pinocchio is anything other than an animated puppet. The medium also allowed for some of the best visuals ever granted to a Pinocchio re-telling. Then again, it gave an enhanced role to the greedy puppeteer, an ugly character inside and out (here, he’s not only a kidnapper but a Mussolini sycophant); he’s also voiced by Christoph Waltz which seems a great way to get audiences to hate the character instantly. Oh, but the puppeteer’s lackey, a one-eyed evil monkey dressed as a bellhop, is the character we’re supposed to love; that makes total sense.
You tried, Guillermo del Toro, you really tried. I will give you that much. You gave it some some primo cinematography and a very imaginative iteration. But let’s face it – this tale isn’t amusing or prophetic. The protagonist is so unimpressive, he requires an insect companion literally to act as a conscience. I can’t say I find it especially poignant or exciting or intriguing or wondrous, either. I suppose it comes off as sweet or touching given the relationship between Gepetto and his mock son … but even then, this iteration points out that Gepetto misses Carlo and Pinocchio is a wooden substitute at best, a carob, a margarine, a Splenda. There are definitely things to love about this film, but –like Avatar: The Way of Water—if cinematography is the only thing about the film you love, it better be the best shot film of the year. It isn’t.
A story as retold by del Toro
About a puppet perhaps destined for sorrow
I’ve seen this before
Times one, two, three, four
And now? All I can say is “No more—o”
Rated PG, 117 Minutes
Director: Guillermo del Toro, Mark Gustafson
Writer: Guillermo del Toro, Patrick McHale
Genre: Once more, from the top
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who have convinced themselves that the “Guillermo del Toro” stamp on this product somehow invigorates the source material
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The kind of person who has seen four different Pinocchios in two years
