Is it standard for the only living child of a newly deceased mother to be ignored until after the funeral? That doesn’t seem right. What’s that? Maybe you couldn’t find him? Maybe you didn’t know who he was? Except that Jacob Turner (Justin Hartley) is a best-selling author. I’m going to let this go because Christmas films don’t tend to care about details (and there are plenty more objectionable where this came from), but, seriously, film, could you try not to be egregiously stupid in the first two minutes?
Jacob returns home to deal with mom’s estate. Here, handsome best-selling-author dude, have another house … and pretend it’s a burden. Do you ever get the feeling that only certain people are allowed to have Christmas fantasies?
Oh, and the house comes with a stalker. Rachel (Barrett Doss) keeps hanging out across the street staring Jacob and his new crib. Cuz, who doesn’t want a beautiful stalker? [cue Van Wilder]
BTW, I do not know who really needs to hear this, but today, you all do if you care even a lick about this film: if you have a man in his early 40s who is ridiculously handsome, wealthy, successful, and a notable public figure yet has never had a serious relationship, there is something wrong with him. Period. No question. It should be obvious and if it isn’t, you’re using the same blinders that Republicans use when it comes to Trump. Don’t question with “if.” There.is.something.wrong.with.him. It’s not a gay thing; there’s nothing wrong with that. It could be a psychosis; it could be a sexual deviance that is completely unacceptable; or it could be something even worse. The BEST you can hope for here is that Jacob is completely a-sexual. That’s the best case scenario hands-down.
But this is a Christmas film … so we’re going to pretend that ultra-successful drop-dead gorgeous models who are public figures can exist for decades without forming attachments and remain hetero and “normal,” whatever that means. (Lemme put it this way; if this guy has trouble dating, what chance do you have?) Sooner or later, Rachel and Jacob are going to be a Christmas couple; the question is “how believable will it be?”
Rachel’s birth mother had to give her up for adoption. She used to serve Jacob’s family. If only the mother left some piece of evidence behind to show how she truly felt about having to give up her baby girl — what could 
that be? I dunno, a manifesto? A notebook? A memoir? How about The Noel Diary? There we go … a completely transparent account of a parent in transition who needed to write a book to let us know she felt bad about adoption and had no choice.
What a wonderful Christmas journey this is going to be, huh? Let’s include Bonnie Bedelia for the ride; she was a name once, right? One of the saddest observations in moviedom has been witnessing the painfully slow transformation of James Remar from badass villain to Grandpa Pushover. This is the guy who put Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy through 48 Hrs. of Hell. Now he’s hoping his estranged son will stay for dinner, pleeeeeeease? What happened to you, man?
I found The Noel Diary just good enough to pay attention to, but no more than that. Imdb seems to think this offering bests the usual Christmas fare. It’s possible, but if that’s true I really cringe for people obsessed with the Hallmark Channel in December. A week from this printing, I’ll have forgotten this film and by this time next year, I won’t be able to pick it out of a line-up. While new films always deserva a chance, you’re better off with the standards than indulging this Christmas dog.
♪Back at his house with life on pause
In walks a man with no known flaws
Handsome, wealthy, and good with words
And he’s alone! Ha, that’s absurd
No, no, no. This story blows
No, no, no. Everybody knows
With all the trappings slick, slick, slick
This guy ain’t taken? Plot anemic♫
Rated TV-14, 99 Minutes
Director: Charles Shyer
Writer: David Golden, Rebecca Connor
Genre: Christmas crap
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who live for Christmas
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The people who put up with them
♪ Parody Inspired by “Up on the Housetop”
