Could they not tell the doll was evil just by looking at it? M3GAN looks like she’s hoping to dine on Mean Girls in between homeroom and social studies. And why make the doll so strong? I mean does it make sense that the Beta version of M3GAN can lift a car? Why does the doll exceed what its child can withstand? You never want your offspring to lose a hand just cuz the robot doesn’t understand a proper “high 5,” do you? Oh well. Live and learn, right?
The horror of M3GAN (“Maybe 3vildoll Gonna Assimilate? Nah”) is that this is our future. The day is coming when robot companions are commonplace; it’s only a matter of time. Lemme put it this way – the lingering angst we feel as a species … is that getting better or worse? The number of menial jobs you wish you could pawn off – from shopping to cooking to cleaning to walking the dog … what if somebody or something would do those things for you for free? Finally, the antipathy we get from alienation, trolling, harsh conversations, and poor interactions in general? Does that make you seek more human interaction or less human interaction? Hell, robots like M3GAN are tailor-made for the MAGA crowd: here, somebody to feed your overwhelming sense of victimhood and self-entitlement; M3GAN will constantly agree with you and do everything you ask it to do. For those who never want to learn, M3GAN is exactly the future they have coming.
Cady (Violet McGraw) was robbed of her future. Her parents took her on a snow vacation and while Cady played in the back of the car with a farting robot, her parents got snowplowed. Now, Cady lives with her robot-building aunt, Gemma (Allison Williams). Tasked with the unfamiliar job of parenting, Gemma hits upon the coup of creating M3GAN (body Amie Donald, voice Jenna Davis). M3GAN is a next-level android; she’s not only a companion but a friend, a mom, and a therapist.
Oh, golly, this is a horror film. Who knew? I mean other than anybody who looked at the damn doll and said, “yeah, that thing is evil; it’s gonna kill somebody.” So it’s just a matter of time before M3GAN traps the mean dog next door, makes it into kibble, and then goes after bigger targets. This
doll has a serious mean streak. And while it’s fun to see bullies get a comeuppance, maybe a less bloody comeuppance is more appropriate.
Once empowered, M3GAN is plenty scary. You’ll grit your teeth watching the thing secretly dismiss direct orders from its owners. Uh oh. That’s not good. You’ll also seriously underestimate the machine. Just because she looks like child and is decidedly child-sized does not mean M3GAN is limited to child capabilities. As horror goes, these are good things. There are, however, two major problems with M3GAN: The first is the material is decidedly derivative. A child’s plaything being lethally dangerous is hardly a new theme, nor is lethality in the service of protection. The other big problem is that the machine decidedly turns evil without good reason. All manmade electronic gizmos live by rules. Your lamp, your TV, your vibrator … they don’t behave in ways they weren’t made to behave without good reason. M3GAN just up and starts misbehaving and we never get 
a good reason why. Sure, M3GAN never left Beta stage, but that doesn’t mean it got reprogrammed. If the primary purpose of the doll is to obey the person it is imprinted to, why would it ever disobey those instructions? I’m still waiting for a good answer.
M3GAN is a decent horror, but holds no water upon scrutiny. This is probably true of 80% of horror films, but it’s so much more obvious here. I found this film disturbing not on the score of the horror, but on the thought of a robot developing an ego … and then reasoning to itself that this was a good thing. Does that describe any robot you know? Also, I quibble with marketing. Why is M3GAN a 2022 film that comes out in January? That only describes potential Oscar contenders. To make the Oscars, M3GAN would have to bitchslap Chris Rock and every other member of the Academy into submission … and even then, it still wouldn’t win any awards.
There once was a doll named M3GAN
Who was built to raise spirits a saggin’
But to doll went too far
Creating its own abattoir
And ran off with the script sorely flaggin’
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
Director: Gerard Johnstone
Writer: Akela Cooper
Genre: Child’s Play
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The Terminator-lite crowd (1/3rd less horror!)
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Robosapiens
