The day that the meteor killed all the dinosaurs … do you suppose it was a Wednesday? “Full of woe?” Although it kinda feels like either a Monday -naturally- or I could see it happening on, like, Friday night. Everybody walk that dinosaur … right into extinction.
Hey, bad luck for Mills (Adam Driver). Crash landing on Earth the exact day our reptilian planetary life ends? What were the odds? To be fair, this isn’t quite a “Deus Ex Rock-ina” as the exact meteor storm that took down Mills’ ship is the same one that’s going to mess up the planet. I.e. He wouldn’t be on Earth in the first place if not for that nasty storm.
Mills is from the planet Somaris, which sounds like somebody trying to remember “Solaris” and failing. Somaris is remarkably similar to Earth right down to the camera crew filming Adam Driver. It is so similar, in fact, that Mills has to take a two-year contract job just to pay for his sick daughter. Apparently, even the universe doesn’t have universal health care. sigh Of course, who knows what two years means on Somaris, right? Maybe Somaris rotates around its sun every other week.
The ship, on auto pilot, hits an unexpected asteroid field –at least I hope it was unexpected, cuz it kills everybody on board except for Mills and Koa (Adriana Greenblatt), a girl conveniently as old as his own child. Koa’s parents have just died, of course. The ship is forced into an emergency landing on Earth where it is 65 Million Years before President Trump happens. Those lucky dinosaurs; they get to die out without ever hearing, “Grab ‘em by the pussy.”
Obviously 65 wants to be about the joining of lost souls. Mills lost his daughter; the daughter-aged charge lost her parents. They need each other. Yes, that it clearly the story the film wanted to tell. In practice, however, 65 is a monster movie. Dudes crash land. It’s 15k between them and their ticket back to Somaris. But between them and their remaining functional cruiser, there are monsters, reptilian monsters with sharp
teeth and no hesitation. Ain’t got time to be shy on prehistoric Earth.
This all led to a disturbing thought: is this a planet where apes evolved from Adam Driver … and then evolved back into Adam Driver? I dunno. Maybe? Seems like evolution got stuck in a Stupid Loop if you ask me.
65 plays a bunch like Jurassic Park III. It didn’t try to do too much. It just gave us some meh protagonists and then attacked them with monsters for 90 minutes. 65 isn’t a great watch, but it isn’t a terrible watch, either. Can Adam Driver keep from being a Jurasserole? Can he keep Koa from being Koadités? Can they both stop me from making bad food puns? Not in 65 million years.
There once was a pilot named Mills
Whose daughter came down with the chills
So he re-upped, farewell
Will he see you in Hell?
Can’t say he went there for the thrills
Rated PG-13, 93 Minutes
Director: Scott Beck, Bryan Woods
Writer: Scott Beck, Bryan Woods
Genre: It’s earth-altering meteor day!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Survival fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Dinosaur fans
