Do “Box of Donut” actors ever go on to better things? I mean they must, right, cuz like Taylor Lautner was in Cheaper by the Dozen 2 at age 13. There, that proves it, right? Hmmm, I better back up and define my terms. In case you’re unfamiliar with the concept, a box of donut or mixed donut film is one in which there’s a notable actor thrust together in an unfamiliar group of usually a dozen or so. Often this group includes you’ve never ever seen before on film. This is the case of many sports movies, but we’ve also seen this screenplay stratagem in films like 12 Angry Men and Pitch Perfect.
In order to distinguish among our donuts, the film usually gives each a unique manner, talent, characteristic, etc. to tell them apart. The oddest facet of such an arrangement is that this type of group often prides itself on uniformity as in a sports team, platoon of soldiers, or singing group. You see the dilemma already, right? In a situation which begs conformity, the entire cast is opting for original. Hence, most of these films are mixed bags. I think you can call one a success if you can name at least three of the donuts after the film ends.
Marcus Marokovich (Woody Harrelson) is an assistant coach in the G league, the minor leagues of the NBA. FWIW, Woody is appearing in what must be his 17th basketball film. The Hunger Games had some basketball, right? Sure, that tracks. Marcus has a reputation for being real good with the game, but not those who play it. In one 24-hour swoop, Marcus has a physical in-game altercation with the head coach, gets fired, gets drunk, plows into a cop car while drunk, and suddenly finds himself in jail and without any purpose in life.
Naturally, this is a movie, so a new fabulous choice presents itself. I know, I know. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but … but … but explain to me how anybody outside the movies parlays a DWI into a job opportunity. Given the choice of ugly jail time or coaching a Des Moines group of intellectually challenged hoopsters, Marcus takes the community service coaching job. Coach, meet your donuts.
The portrayal of the donuts is pretty good here. Bobby Farrelly picks up right where he left off at the end of Stuck on You. The group is presented as much more goofy than challenged, which –honest or not- is the best way to get a mainstream audience to accept that folks with down syndrome or an extra chromosome have just as much to give and receive as anybody else. Marcus, who isn’t even good with the non-intellectually challenged, has to learn this lesson. Helping him along are the brother & sister of effective team captain Johnny (Kevin Iannucci) and his caretaking sister, Alex (Kaitlin Olson). Johnny acts essentially as team spokesman while Alex and Marcus have an affair by default. Tinder users will be glad to know there are some real catches out there … also, there’s these two.
There is a pathetic lack of nuance in this film. Farrelly made Champions to be so transparent that it could be 
enjoyed by the intellectually challenged. I suppose that’s fine, but watching Harrelson go through the motions to reach the inevitable conclusions was painful. Just really painful.
This leaves you with the donuts. Ask yourself, “How sharp does a Farrelly movie have to be for one to rally behind the dramatic interpretation of Dumb and Dumber?” Champions isn’t a bad movie so much as a knock-off Bad News Bears where the cast is slightly more sympathetic and the plot points are visible from space. I.e. this is a decent film if you are being introduced to either the concept of mixed donut films or the concept of intellectually challenged humans; other than that, I kinda feel sorry for Woody; this whole film feels like community service for him. And he’s clearly nowhere near his best for this role.
One point I have to quibble with as a fan of basketball … The “Friends” have a tall awkward player named Showtime (Bradley Evans). Showtime’s quirk is that whenever the ball comes to him, he turns his back to the basket and throws the ball behind him (presumably in an effort to score a bucket, but we’re told he has never once even hit the rim). Showtime then proceeds to celebrate like Steph Curry. Ok, that’s all cute and a little funny, but, come on. Answer me this, coach, team: do you care about winning the games? The screenplay suggested wins were very important to you both. In which case, why is Showtime even on the floor? I estimate that about 90% of the time the ball goes in his direction, an immediate turnover will follow. 90%. Never scores. Never. If I’m the opponent, I double literally anyone else on the floor; I leave Showtime open and let him have the ball wherever he wants it. 90% of the time, it’s going to be our ball, same score, within five seconds. Showtime would have to be the defensive player of the year in this league to merit any playing time whatsoever. And nobody played a lick of defense in the action I saw. Maybe they need an assistant coach for that.
There once was a coach in the G
Who knew what he wanted to be
But his plans did derail
With DWI fail
Exit pros, welcome community
Rated PG-13, 124 Minutes
Director: Bobby Farrelly
Writer: Mark Rizzo
Genre: Mixed donuts
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The differently abled and their supporters
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “This is awfully paint by numbers”
