He’s a party bartender? Not even a “he’s got his own bar” or “he gets a steady paycheck” bartender; Tragic Mike is now a catering afterthought. Wait. So stripping was the good part of his life? Maybe it’s different for men, but I just can’t imagine any woman saying, “Oh yeah. That time on the pole? Best of my life. No question.” sigh Poor Mike. Is there a stripper old folks home? Retirement plan?
Don’t feel bad for Mike Lane (Channing Tatum) just yet; he’s still got a body that’s better than yours or mine and he can still raise up a woman by her genitals, either physically or metaphorically. Your choice. Unfortunately ruined due to COVID, Mike is now a part-time bartender; his Earthly dreams have been reduced to “another highball, sir?” Enter wealthy soon-to-be-unwed gallavantress Maxandra (Salma Hayek Pinault). Yes, “Maxandra.” Not “Alexandra” or “Sandi,” Maxandra. Oh boy; it’s gonna be one of these films, isn’t it?
Bargaining for a private show, Maxandra gets Mike to do his thing … his incredibly sexy thing just like the old days. Maxandra is magically transformed from morose miss into Magical Mistress. She “hires” Mike to do a job she won’t specify, but isn’t about sex. And it’s in London. Gee, Mike, think you can get away from the weekend tip scene?
It turns out Maxandra owns a theater which plays a particularly stuffy pre-Victorian era English muffin called “Isabel Ascendant.” The play delves into the standard mores and notions of the Jane Austen world. Maxandra gives over the reins to Mike to turn it into “Chippendales and Chippendjudice “or whatever. OH! This is a feminist take, is it? And that explains all the shirtless men on stage? Of course it does.
I think my favorite part of this horror is how easily dismissed the past characters have become. The sexy bods of past Magic Mikes have been entirely replaced. Magic Mike is now Tragic Mike. The Kid is now The Burnout. Big Dick Richie is now Dad Bod Richie. There’s a scene of a zoom call where w
e are reminded that we found these guys sexy eleven years ago. Now, they aren’t even sexy enough to appear outside a computer screen. Magic Mike’s Last Dance feels a bit like a trophy movie.
I wanted to comment on how this film made me believe female fantasies are just as shallow as male fantasies … but Magic Mike’s Last Dance was both written by a man and directed by a man, so this film strikes me as “what a male might imagine a female fantasy is.” You can put all the empowering language or POV that you want, but it still comes down to the fact that for many men, including the writer and director of this film, the female fantasy is a peacock … or a bunch of peacocks: fab dancers with rock-hard abs.
While I didn’t loathe this film, there isn’t a lot here to like, especially if you’re not into hot guys. The athleticism and the bodies are pretty impressive. Jealous men, you probably will feel emasculated once again if the woman you accompanied is into this. But, honestly, I found it all rather tame. The film has no nudity. The best scene, where a council woman is deliberately piqued on a city bus, has been cut woefully short and there’s even a terrible subplot about Maxandra’s step-daughter being too young for the show. Too young for what, exactly? No nudity? Simulated sex on stage? Oh no! That almost looked like an erection! Almost.
Salma Hayek, finally not yelling, is better here than her last five films combined, but Magic Mike’s Last Stand is still a giant mistake.
In lieu of a poem or song, I have decided to sketch other possibilities in the Magic Mike series:
- Logic Mike — He strips because it is rational to do so.
- Allergic Mike – In this iteration, Mike has to take off his shirt constantly because otherwise he’ll break out in a rash from … clothes.
- Toxicologic Mike – Mike has traveled far and learned some obscure native folk wisdom, that best best way of saving someone from poison is sexy dancing
- Strategic Mike – Oh, he has a plan all right. Just you wait. General Mike is going to defeat the enemy … all he needs is a pole.
- Paraplegic Mike – The hottest thing on four wheels, Mike makes the rounds a general hospitals, looking to give lap dances to any lady with an upramp. Tragedy happens when Mike is booked for a venue that is not wheelchair accessible.
- Hemorrhagic Mike – When he leaves it all on the floor, he really leaves it all on the floor. Better get him a mop and a transfusion before the second show.
Rated R, 112 Minutes
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writer: Reid Carolin
Genre: Cautionary tale
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who is still wet following Magic Mike XXL
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Do we really need a third Magic Mike? … Did we really need a first Magic Mike?”
