Future me knows what to do: go back in time and make sure I never watch Predestination. It’s not that the movie was bad … it’s, hmmm, how shall I put this? There are some time travel movies that screw with time, and then there are time travel movies that treat time like a one-legged blind French whore from the flapper era. Predestination would be the pirate king of the latter group.
Ethan Hawke (“The Barkeep”) is a Timecop. Oh, I’m sorry. That was already a thing, van damme me. The Barkeep is a temporal agent [read: Timecop]. His assignment is to catch the “Fizzle Bomber” – which is an awful name for a villain, btw. In the very least, The Barkeep must stop a large bomb from exploding in a public place. The film opens with an agent, who may or may not be our hero, literally losing face by saving the city from a bomb. A montage of surgeries and healing later, we have *poof* Ethan Hawke, who immediately travels back to 1970s NYC to work as a bartender. (Ah, the golden age of bartending, before Cocktail or “Cheers,” amIright?)
Hawke the barkeep immediately meets the androgynous J. Doe (Sarah Snook), a jaded loner who earns money writing a column on local interest stories. Oh, but “The Unmarried Mother” has a story of their own to tell, and bends The barkeep’s ear like Geoffrey Chaucer is taking notes, knowwhatI’msayin’? This tale is about an orphan and consistent abandonment from birth to marriage to employment. Jane Doe turns out to be more of a Jane “D’oh!” Yeah, this is good stuff, especially when our storytelling friend gets to the part that NASA (?) rejects them for an undisclosed medical condition, but barkeep ain’t
impressed cuz he’s a time traveler. Takes more than that to impress a time traveler.
And now we get to the thick of it: does barkeep’s new friend want revenge? Do they want to get back at the lover who jilted them? Cuz it just so happens that might just be the Fizzle Bomber. Looks like a win-win, right?
I can’t begin to tell you how unbelievably messed up this film gets from here on in. I suppose I actually could tell you, but I wouldn’t be doing it justice. If you are inclined to see a movie where people screw with time travel, this, my friend, is the one. And it will mess you up. All I can say is the film ain’t bad, but sometimes you’re better off not knowing anyway. Personally, I was so put off by how this ended that I almost gave a thumbs down to a film that never lost my attention. That is how screwed up Predestination is. Good luck.
There once was a traveler named Doe
Who messed with time streams, uh oh
When they get to the part
Where there’s “horse” before “cart”
Every attentive viewer will shout, “Whoa!”
Rated R, 97 Minutes
Director: Michael Spirerig, Peter Spierig
Writer: Michael Spirerig, Peter Spierig
Genre: That’s messed up
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who like their brains scrambled
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The rest of us, sunny-side up
