It’s weird that Russell Crowe just played a “normal” character in a drama who was scarier than anything that happened in the horror film he followed it with. I’m not sure how the horror genre managed to attract Russell Crowe. Was this Russell’s way of announcing he’s no longer an A-Lister? Seems an odd announcement to make, but, dude, what did you expect when you took a role intended for Daniel Brühl?
(How sure am I of that last inference? In the film, Father Esquibel -Robin to Crowe’s Batman- is played by Daniel Zovatto, the poor man’s Daniel Brühl)
However apt my casting inference, the titular inference is unfulfilled: The Pope’s Exorcist does not mean the Pope needs an exorcism. [Now, that could have been a striking film; especially if it focused on the Pope Benedict XVI] It simply means that Father Gabriel Amorth (Crowe) is the exorcist attached to the bishopric where the Pope is the local head. The fact that the Pope is the head of the entire Catholic Church throughout the world is, in this case, immaterial.
Time for relevant questions: Every bishopric has an exorcist? What?! Who’s our local exorcist? Where does the local Catholic exorcist fit in the power chart? Is there gonna be an exorcist version of Spotlight where the sexual abuses of Catholic priests on undead children are revealed? That would be a weird movie. [“All right, Father, do your worst! Wait. Hold up a sec. What are you doing? Don’t you want to banish me to Hell and cleanse my vessel!? STOP THAT! OH GOD, SAVE ME!”] Instead of that, let’s focus here where the Pope’s right hand ghostbuster is reassigned after shooting a possessed hog. (You know, you can interpret the opening of this film any way you like and it will still amount to a priest walking into a potential exorcism and in lieu of any actual exorcism, a pig gets shot in the head.)
In Spain, an American family has inherited an Abbey. How in the name of Beelzebub do you inherit a Spanish Abbey? Single mom Julia (Alex Essoe) ain’t a rich woman, so she’s dragged her two kids, Amy (Laurel Marsden) and Henry (Peter DeSouza-Feighoney) along with her. They don’t have any other place to live and the idea is to “fix it up,” sell it, and move back to the states.
I want you to imagine how much renovation is needed on a several-centuries-old property that has been abandoned. OK, now imagine exactly how much such a property would “sell” for. Who would buy it? And why? If the church ain’t there now, what makes you think they’re comin’ back? Well, it takes about 
three seconds to see why it’s abandoned when Henry goes and gets himself possessed by the in-house demon.
This brings up another good question: how bad is your situation such that Russell Crowe needs to show up? I tell ya, that would do it for me. If I were ever at home and got a ring at the doorbell and opened the door to Russell Crowe, “Hi. I was summoned,” the next thing out of my mouth would be, “That’s it, honey, we’re moving.”
It seems Julia, Amy, and Henry have no choice. They gotta tolerate a demon infestation and a Crowe infestation. Super.
I swear exorcist films are all paint-by-numbers these days. What follows is a lot of foreplay and Crowe trying on an Italian accent for good measure. The Demon isn’t actually confronted until the film is about to end, of course. Does Crowe’s presence make this film any better than any other stupid exorcism film? No, of course not. As I said above, Crowe was scarier as the personification of road rage in Unhinged than anything seen in this film. I suppose it’s nice for one of these projects to be able attach itself to a “big name,” but that doesn’t make the product any worthier. Now tell me more about supernatural abuses by the Catholic Church.
There was once a Father named Gabriele
Who exorcised demons oh so swell
Being no dope
He caught the eye of the Pope
Who made sure his exploits were “don’t ask don’t tell”
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Julius Avery
Writer: Michael Petroni, Evan Spiliotopoulos, R. Dean McCreary
Genre: Fighting Satan, again
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: You gotta really love Ruseell Crowe
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody tired of the genre
