I thought the point of noir was to translate a modern crime thriller into a past world of cynical, moral ambiguity. The cynical part here is that the actors are old enough to have starred in a noir film back when it was just “film.” Most hard-boiled detectives appear cynical because they are prematurely world weary. Liam Neeson is 70. He’s world weary because he’s making movies when he should be sippin’ lemonade on a porch somewhere while talking about clouds.
Opposite Neeson is Jessica Lange, who is really hot for 73-year-old. But, let’s face it, she’s 73. At 73, the conspiring wealthy matriarch should be done conspiring; the world ether is or isn’t what you want it to be. Your money ain’t gonna change that anymore. And you’re still 73. Live with it.
Even the femme fatale is … well, Diane Kruger is 46. It’s hard to rally around the femme fatale who is developing back issues. Isn’t this role supposed to be a twentysomething starlet who either gets aced if she can’t act or turns out to be villain if she can?
Writer/director Neil Jordan just turned 73. Maybe that explains all this. Well, Marlowe is a noir for people who don’t have a problem believing that seventy-year-olds can still have twentysomething problems.
It’s 1939 in El Lay. The Dodgers won’t show up for another twenty years, so the denizens have to rally around orange futures, film scripts, and whatever–the-Hell was going on in Babylon. Clare Cavendish (Kruger) solicits private detective Philip Marlowe (Neeson) to find her not-so-dead ex. Did dude fake his own death? Then who is that at the coroner? I mean, that’s not a bad noir premise. The only thing is Neeson needs to be Henry Cavill’s age and Kruger needs to be in the Selena Gomez age range. Cuz right now I’m imagining Neeson saying, “Sure, I’ll take the case, but first I need an egg-salad smoothie and a nap.”
The mystery takes Marlowe initially to the exclusive Swanky-Panky Club (or at least that’s how I remember it) where crime must be going down cuz it’s hard to get into and the manager is a douche. Open
note to all fictional characters: try not to be a douche in a noir; it won’t turn out well. Then Marlowe hops over to the Cavendish crib to have a duel of words with local palace matriarch Dorothy Quincannon (Lange). The throng of elder viewers can cut the sexual tension in the air with an iron trivet or a chesterfield or a flapper (whichever one of those actually cuts things), while both of the younger viewers just say, “ewww.”
I gotta say, I was willing to suspend disbelief until Neeson got in an old man fight. Yeah, Neeson might have been called a badass once, but now –like Robert DeNiro– his ability to do physical violence is considerably hampered by his age. And, hence, so is my patience with this material.
My guess is Marlowe was originally written for a younger set of actors. It had to have been; who writes a noir script for a 70-year-old detective? The movie compensates by adding a fair amount of dialogue focusing on Liam Neeson’s age and the fact that he’s old enough to be middle-aged Diane Kruger’s father. I dunno if this is a mistake. On the one hand, I think highlighting how old Neeson really is wasn’t the best strategic move the film could make; on the other, well, the audience is exactly who you expect it to be, so why not cater to them? Sure, 70 isn’t too old to do things a noir detective might do, right? Right? Marlowe is destined to join Confess, Fletch in the category of recent forgettable attempts to re-imagine crime fiction for a new audience.
There once was PI named Marlowe
Whose reputation was only so-so
But don’t be aghast
By his mediocre cast
He’s also too old for this show
Rated R, 109 Minutes
Director: Neil Jordan
Writer: William Monahan, Neil Jordan
Genre: What did Liam Neeson film this week?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno, but they’re probably old
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “That guy punches like an old man”
