I was skeptical. A lot of media storytellers make the mistake of a flawless hero. There’s no room for growth with a flawless hero … and such often reflects an unseemly vanity within the storyteller themselves. The Machine went the other direction – here’s a hero so flawed that ten sequels and a decade of therapy won’t begin to scratch the surface of what’s wrong with this guy.
In addition, this fantastical material is presented as semi-biographical with the comedian hero as our narrator, which makes the grandiose amount of the crime, especially the violent crime, in the film most problematic. Let’s just say I was wary. My steadying influence? Mark Hamill of all people. Mark wouldn’t steer me wrong, would he?
Bert Kreischer is a stage comedian who often works shirtless. He takes his shirt off more often than Samuel L. Jackson says, “M*****F*****” His go-to routine involves how he acquired his moniker “The Machine.” Like so many things about our fairly pathetic hero, this one evolved out of ignorance. If I am understanding this correctly, college-aged Bert –a terrible student- got class credit for Russian entirely by taking a trip to Russia; he would not have earned credit otherwise. In an effort to endear himself to the Russian mobsters acting as group chaperones, he introduced himself in Russian as “badass,” but his Russian sucks, so the mobsters heard “The Machine.” And a legend was born.
The party first, party next, party afterwards Bert Kreischer (young Kreisher is played by the much hunkier Jimmy Tatro) went to town with his new Russian allies, introducing them to Western culture presented as his personality. He then proceeded to rob a train –including all of his student peers- with them. When he came back to the United States, he developed a comedy routine about the tale which mostly involved taking off his shirt.
Fast-forward to the start of our film — Bert Kreischer, playing himself decades after “The Machine” came to life, is a shitty husband, a shitty father, and a shitty person. His one redeeming grace is that he knows these things are true. But knowing you’re a pile a crap and turning it around are two separate thoughts. Bert in the now has favored tone-deaf overcompensation, like when his daughter turns 16, he goes all out to throw the 
party she doesn’t want. Want some free parenting advice? Listen, dad. Just … listen. Luckily, this cringe-worthy blowout is interrupted by the Russian mob. Irina (Iva Babic) claims The Machine stole her father’s watch on that train and now everybody is gonna go back to Moscow to find it or the mob is gonna ace Bert’s daughter.
At this point, Bert Sr. (Hamill) shows up for the ride (and to show us exactly what a pile of crap Bert has evolved into). So this stand-up comedy of a film has, in turn, evolved into a Russian mob thriller told in two separate timelines. Hey, that’s not a half-bad idea for a real film, huh? Wouldn’t it be great if a real protagonist showed up, too?
The Machine grew on me. I can’t say I was taken with either the comedy or persona of Bert Kreischer. However, I cannot deny the power of giving us a protagonist with room to grow. Also, the film had its heart in the right place and just enough villainy and action to make me care. Was it genius? Nyet. Was it funny? Nyet. Was it enjoyable? Da. More or less.
A middle-aged overgrown teenage slob
Finds himself entangled with the Russian mob
His history of vice
Yielded employment, twice!
If nothing else, I’m impressed with his job
Rated R, 112 Minutes
Director: Peter Atencio
Writer: Kevin Biegel, Scotty Landes
Genre: Fictional non-fiction?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Those already well-versed in the world of Bert Kreischer
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: You don’t want to see a middle-aged moron manipulated by the Russian mob … why not?
