Jennifer Lopez is quite the anomaly, huh? Unlike so many aging actresses, she has retained almost all of her popularity. Currently 53, she still looks fantastic; the accomplished thespian, model, and singer is still more-than–capable of starring in a crappy film from any of a dozen different genres. Today, she chose “action” in The Mother, a film made by people who thought: “John Wick with boobs.”
There are worse ideas.
Caught in the witness protection program, former badass “The Mother” (JLo) does what people do in witness protection in the movies: watch her safe house go to Hell. The Mother really is a mother to be at this point. Obviously pregnant, it is hard for her to take out more than seven or eight guys as is. Eventually, she has a confrontation with either her arch adversary or the baby’s father (Joseph Fiennes). Despite the two of them having killed pretty much everybody else between them, they both prove crappy at killing each other or the baby.
Next scene, JLo has to give the baby up cuz “it will never be safe with her.” Ummmm, ok. At that rate, why do we even have witness protection? What’s the point? In the movie, JLo hides in Alaska, turning herself into the ultimate ice warrior on the off chance that she’s needed once the plot kicks in.
Unable to find JLo – I’m sorry, why did she give up the child again?—the bad guys (led by Gael García Bernal) go after her daughter, suddenly a tween. This all gets JLo out of hiding and into a situation where she can exhibit tough-love parenting that would make Dr. Laura cringe. You haven’t seen her
in twelve years; you didn’t want to give her up in the first place; you traveled two continents to save her … and you’re going to show her no affection at all? I’ll take “Heroes I Don’t Need” for $400, Alex.” Bottom line is for almost an hour, we get to see The Mother get to be a Mother … and her Great Santini routine detracts from any warm feeling we might have held for her.
I’m amazed at this point that I haven’t spelled “Mutha.”
The Mother is never going to be the kind of film you root for. The plot is so serious it’s near comic. And while JLo can still bring it, she has a long history of making bad films – so giving her the benefit of the doubt is hardly an option here. The action sequences weren’t bad and we like the kid (Lucy Paez) even if we don’t like The Mother. But the film is all about The Mother, which makes it all kinds of problematic. I’ve done the film a great favor by taking it seriously when precious little JLo has done this century would suggest a project of hers deserves such. I’m calling The Mother good enough to dislike, but offer no more venom than that. Believe me; this is a win, JLo. Take it.
It’s been a while since JLo made me giggly
Often, her cringe gets me wriggly
But here she’s a mom
And a ticking time bomb
Gotta say, it’s still better than Gigli*
Rated R, 115 Minutes
Director: Niki Caro
Writer: Misha Green, Andrea Berloff, Peter Craig
Genre: Feminism?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: JLo apologists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who like rooting for the hero
*Yes, I have deliberately pronounced here such as it would rhyme with “giggly”
