Do you know the first time I gave a tadpole’s kneecaps about Barbie or anything Barbie related, like, at all? It was about twenty minutes into the Greta Gerwig movie. I’m never looking back.
I want to preface this review with a notion that is not new but bears repeating: when it comes to Barbie, my words are irrelevant. Positive as they are – and they couldn’t be more positive; Barbie is not only the best film I’ve seen in 2023; it’s the best film I’ve seen since Everything Everywhere All at Once. I repeat, positive as my words are, I am neither the target audience, nor did I have a feel for the target audience prior to screening. And, let’s face it, this film has already heard a great deal from the non-target audience crowd. It would be one thing if my voice were the only one among the group, but the non-target audience here has demanded a platform.
Geez, are you assholes really so threatened by … Barbie? I can’t think of anything less “Alpha” in the entire world than finding a doll threatening, especially one that has been around for decades upon decades.
So, on behalf of all owners of a Y-chromosome, ignore us. Give us the same attention you might give your own child after his 38th “look at me” within the past hour: “Oh, that’s nice dear.” I, for one, will understand. I can’t speak for the rest; they’re busy being threatened by the first blockbuster ever that didn’t have boys in mind.
What a phenomenon, huh? Seriously, can you name a more successful film EVER that made no attempt at all to woo straight white males? I cannot. And I think it’s awesome, sad, hilarious, and encouraging all at the same time.
The Barbie film starts as an introspective existential treatise, morphs into a gender war, and then returns to existential conclusion, all while describing a fictional toy in her deliberately childish cotton
candy world. I have never seen a single film that can be enjoyed on more levels. Not one. Ever. It can be enjoyed by children, by adults, by deep thinkers, by shallow thinkers, by historical filmographers, by people who have never seen a film before. It can be enjoyed by you, reader, whomever you are.
We begin in Barbieland where “stereotypical” Barbie (Margot Robbie) is living yet another perfect day. The visuals are spectacular as we see Barbie engage in her usual routine: “taking a shower” , “eating breakfast” , “drinking juice” , and “driving away” from her Dream House. She’s a toy, you see; she even has tiptoe feet to prove it. At her destination, “beach” Ken (Ryan Gosling) is a jealous little bitch. Other Barbies are everywhere; other Kens are everywhere (it’s one of the running jokes in the film – multiple Barbies, multiple Kens, but only one Allan), but beach Ken can only be satisfied when stereotypical Barbie has eyes for him and him alone.
Suddenly, Barbie is sad and thinking about death, which is the record-skip in this non-stop party. “Weird” Barbie (Kate McKinnon) advises her to go to the “real world” to solve her new problem. Well, you know what the problem is with the real world? Real-world problems, which accumulate quickly i
n both comic fashion (featuring Mattel CEO Will Ferrell), and less-comic fashion with a Ken suddenly empowered by the vision of a patriarchal society.
I will try to spoil no more beyond this next point in which each doll gender essentially selects an anthem, a representative song which couldn’t have been more personally poignant if Greta Gerwig had made the film precisely for me: The Barbies choose the Indigo Girls’ “Closer to Fine,” a song I heard in my sleep during my college days, and always from a source seeking inclusion. The Kens choose Matchbox Twenty’s “Push,” which I am embarrassed to note was a depression anesthetic for me as recent as ten years ago.
I could love Barbie for the humor alone. This is the funniest movie I’ve seen in some time. But the fact that Greta Gerwig used the popularity AND unpopularity of the Barbie iconology to illustrate the pain a woman faces in an effort to conform is next-level insight. Reactive men will naturally rebel, as Barbie goes over a laundry list of what the patriarchy gets wrong, but this knee-jerk assholery so common in our era misses the point: men aren’t happy, either, with the systems they’ve specifically set-up to empower only themselves. Let me put it this way – all those Bible Belt states where white men rule everything and the institutions are manipulated over and over and over to limit power to women and minorities … are the white men in those states happy? Because I see evidence every.single.day that they are not. That is the point of Barbie: the world we have set up is ugly from imbalance; hence, we are left wanting for the Dream House cotton candy world of Barbie. That describes all of us, not just Y-chromosome challenged.
Barbie is propelled by some wonderful performances: Robbie and Gosling in the lead roles, McKinney as “Weird” Barbie, Ferrell as Mattel CEO, America Ferrera and Ariana Greenblatt as Barbie’s “real world” owners, Simu Liu as rival Ken … the “beach off” rhetoric was magical. But when you get that many good performances from that many sources, you kinda have to attribute it to the director. Greta Gerwig deserves an Oscar for this film, either for writing or directing, but I’d be happy with both. She has created the iconic women’s film of this generation. No question. When I complained about Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. for being trivial and exclusive, it is not because Barbie existed at the time, but because Barbie could exist, and Greta Gerwig made it happen. There is still plenty of 2023 left to go, but I doubt I will see a better film this year.
There once was a doll all alone
Who grew depressed with the world as shone
So she sang a refrain
To find the source of her pain
And learned some things are better unknown
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
Director: Greta Gerwig
Writer: Greta Gerwig, Noah Baumbach
Genre: The one where “Alpha” Males cry
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Do you have a “Y” chromosome? Not you.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: MAGA, hahahahahaha
