Do you remember how disappointing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was? Do you remember getting to the big reveal only to find out it was goddamn alien? Do you remember exactly how let down you felt in that moment – not that you hadn’t already been let down by the two hours preceding it? Remember that feeling. Because it will help you enjoy Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, which is also a disappointment, but on a much smaller scale.
Finding the roots of Indy-lore, Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny begins in Nazi Germany, 1944. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford – or the CGI younger version of Harrison Ford) has just been taken prisoner when a bomb (ironically) destroys the means of his execution long enough for our hero to hop a relic-filled train and start doin’ what Indy does best: havoc. For an archaeologist, this guy leaves no stone undestructed; he must be the envy of all the secret archaeological meetings (“psst, look, it’s the guy who gets to demolish stuff”). During this ride, Indy becomes Strangers on a Train with evil Nazi art authenticator Dr. Jürgen Voller (Mads Mikkelsen — or the CGI younger version of Mads Mikkelsen) and both men encounter 50% of a MacGuffin known as the Antikythera mechanism. This Archimedes-created device is so powerful and so important that nobody remembers it for 25 years.
By 1969, Mads seems to have aged much better than Harrison, and suddenly everybody cares about the MacGuffin again, especially Indy’s goddaughter Helen Shaw (Phoebe Waller-Bridge). And, before you know it, it’s Stetson’s out/guns out and Indy is interrupting an astronaut celebration parade after commandeering a police horse. The adventure begins.
Is the action as good as any of the first three Indiana Jones movies? Not even close.
Is the dialogue as good as any of the first three Indiana Jones movies (including Temple of Doom)? Not even close.
Will you enjoy this film as much as any of the first three Indiana Jones movies (including Temple of Doom)? Not even close.
Can you enjoy the film anyway? Yes. But I gotta say Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny reminded me a great deal more of the Mark Wahlberg/Tom Holland adventure Uncharted than it did any Indiana Jones film. When Crystal Skull happened, I thought part of the problem was that Harrison Ford was too old to play the role any longer. Harrison didn’t get any younger in the 15 years since Crystal Skull, but it’s clear now that age isn’t a problem so much as writing. Crystal Skull and Dial of Destiny just aren’t as fun as any of the first three (including Temple of Doom), and they are collectively films you question instead of accepting on face value.
*SPOLIER ALERT* Please do not read further if you want to keep your Indy viewing pure.
After seeing the film, two big plot questions remain for me. Oh there are plenty of nits to pick with Dial of Destiny. Is anybody right now picturing George McFly saying, “Lorraine, you are my dial of density?” Must be me.
Anyhoo …
The Antikythera mechanism acts as a time travel device. OK, fine. Archimedes invented time travel because of course he did. Sure, let’s roll with that.
Dr. Voller is a Nazi’s Nazi. He wants to collect the pieces of the device to … go back in time and assassinate Hitler in 1938. Whaaaaaa ….? I’m sorry. You mean to assassinate Hitler in anticipation of more evil … to “correct” Hitler’s mistakes? OK. So the evil Nazi guy has the same plan as literally every single person in the Western World who has considered time travel in the last 75 years. Well, that’s weird.
I’m sorry, I have to delve deeper into this. Sure, Hitler made mistakes, but you do realize that if you kill the man before the Munich accords, there’s a good chance WWII never happens, or –in the very least- gets put off a while. Put off perhaps long enough for the allies not to be taken off guard. And killing Hitler puts who in charge, exactly? The twentysomething art authenticator? Oh, that’s rich. I may not know modern German history perfectly, but that’s like imagining Trump being assassinated in 2018 and the presidency suddenly handed to Kellyanne Conway.
Oh, and I’m a bit disgusted by the lack of respect shown Russia here. Now, I know it’s American to loathe Russia
and especially loathe the Soviet Union. It’s natural … and not unwarranted. But, let’s be very clear here – the Soviet Union was more responsible for the defeat of Hitler’s Germany than any other allied power, and it’s not really close. I understand the desire to downplay the Soviet Union or the actions of Stalin in bringing Germany down, but not to even put him in the conversation of “how would you change time to make Nazi Germany victorious?” is beyond one-sided; it’s negligent.
Secondly. Who he Hell invented the Antikythera mechanism? Our gang collects the halves and uses them to go back in time to *give the thing to Archimedes*? What, has he got two now? If this is the original that he destroys and hides, then who invented it in the first place? Got a serious chicken/egg problem here.
Look, I thought this film was more-or-less fun, but it proved a little long and soft on greatness. Very soft. When we compare it to Crystal Skull, Dial of Destiny is a nail biting party. But compared to Last Crusade, it doesn’t even merit being part of the Indiana Jones parade. The first attempt at a non-Spielberg Indy will hopefully be the last attempt. If the films can’t be over-the-moon fun, there isn’t much point in making them.
In not quite Spielbergian style
Indy found Destiny in a Dial
If you’re searching for the quencher
That redefined adventure
You’re going to be waiting quite a while
Rated PG-13, 154 Minutes
Director: James Mangold
Writer: Jez Butterworth, John-Henry Butterworth (gee, with two Butterworths on the script, I expected the dialog to be more syrup-y), David Koepp, James Mangold
Genre: JONES!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who need Indiana Jones to be more important than their own lives
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who LOVE Indiana Jones, but haven’t yet seen Crystal Skull
