My father collected a series of foreign comic books during his early years. I stumbled upon them once, fascinated … and wishing I could read French. Yes, I know of Astérix & Obélix, even though I didn’t know what they were saying.
Not much of an anecdote? Well, that’s totally fitting, because this wasn’t much of a film. Now that I know what Astérix (writer/director/star Guillaume Canet) & Obélix (Gilles Lellouche) are saying, I wish that part of my education had remained a mystery. They aren’t funny; they aren’t deep; they aren’t entertaining, and they’re barely friends. In retrospect, I’d best describe them as middle-aged wankers: one is a present-day addict and the other is a recovering addict … and that’s the most fascinating thing about either.
First, let’s distinguish. God knows why. It really doesn’t matter. As they are both walking fashion mistakes, I can’t distinguish them for one having better taste than the other. (You sure this film is French?) Obélix is the guy in the pants-tube-top and Astérix is the guy with the wing-ed mood beanie. They like fighting. However, their fights are aided by cheating, or as they call it, “potion.” Astérix needs to get roided up before engaging while Obélix has a natural store from indulging as a child. As far as I can tell, there are no ill consequences from taking “potion” other than becoming exceptionally dull protagonists.
Then they have Popeye fights, where one punch sends a strangely inactive opponent into the ozone layer. Thankfully, this was only demonstrated a handful of times in the film. It’s both dull and stupid. What’s the point such a one-sided fight? Really? Would you watch a film about Superman going up against a toddler?
As the film wasn’t much for exploring the motivations of its title characters, the plot centered instead around -you’re not going to believe this- the political intrigue of China, BCE. You see, Julius Caesar. Seriously, Julius Caesar. Our heroes are from Gaul [read: France], but sure, nothing worth talking about ever happens in “Gaul,” so let’s go bug the Roman Empire and the battling regions of China. Forget that it takes months to get from China to pretty much anywhere BCE. Forget that Julius Caesar wants to invade China because … reasons. How about we just stick to the fact that in a film titled Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom seems to have little to do with Astérix or Obélix … and the “Middle Kingdom” is defined as wherever the film crew stopped for the night.
Ah, the cast. I see Vincent Cassel as Julius Caesar and Marion Cotillard as Cleopatra. I see you’ve decided to 
namedrop, movie. That’s fantastic. If only the film were about either of them. What’s really going on is a Chinese princess (Julie Chen) visits France because of political reasons and then decides to go back with a cadre of French morons. This is all ok because her bodyguard kicks ass. I think. None of this film makes any sense, which would be fine if it were amusing. It’s not.
I find it hard to believe professionals made this film. Oh, the stock quality and the special effects tell one story, but another is told by the series of unlikable and ill-defined characters and two protagonists we neither enjoy, nor learn anything about. I don’t even have a good sense of why they’re friends, TBH. The film wasn’t completely bereft of charm; I smiled once or twice at a sight gag, but I couldn’t help noticing neither titular character made me smile even once. If you’re watching Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom, no matter who you are, you are eventually going to ask yourself, “Why am I still watching this?” In my case, it was raw desire to see this damn thing through, and nothing more.
Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom is a prime example of how comic book studios have failed us: Just because you’ve mastered cosplay doesn’t automatically mean you have a story worth telling.
Two heroes of the world comical
Show us to the dismay of all
Superheroes? Non.
I’m looking upon
The Beavis and Butt-Head of ancient Gaul
Rated TV-PG, 112 Minutes
Director: Guillaume Canet
Writer: René Goscinny, Albert Uderzo, Guillaume Canet
Genre: Imagination fail
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Geez, I dunno. Maybe if you’re French and eight-years-old and never saw a film before. Even then … geez
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Those of us who have seen Astérix & Obélix: L’Empire du Milieu
