Just spitballin’ here, but … maybe … just maybe … a ride at an amusement park isn’t the best source material for a major motion picture. I know, I know, I hear you say … “but Pirates of the Caribbean inspired, like, 37 films …” To which I remind you that without Gore Verbinski, the soundtrack, or Johnny Depp’s performance in the first, there isn’t a single sequel let alone 36. And none of that addresses whether or not the theme park attraction was a good idea.
This is the second attempt to build a motion picture franchise out of the Disney theme park, Haunted Mansion. By my reckoning, this particular attempt bests its 2003 kin in almost every single way a film can: the screenplay is better, the special effects are better, the cast is better, the script is better, the direction is better; it’s funnier, scarier, more heart-felt, and more involving.
And it still sucks.
That’s not quite fair. Haunted Mansion (2023) isn’t terrible, but it’s not good, either. Being a Disney, it’s not allowed to be scary or have a body count -despite the “horror” label, and being a theme park ride, it’s not really allowed to have a plot … not one that you’ll care about, that is.
Failed-astrophysicist-turned-disgruntled-New-Orleans-tour-guide Ben Matthias (LaKeith Stanfield) is summoned to Gracey Manor to photograph ghosts. He’s a dick about it until one of the undead denizens follows him home. Before you know it, Gabbie (Rosario Dawson), her son Travis (Chase W. Dillon), Father Kent (Owen Wilson), psychic Harriet (Tiffany Haddish), and Professor Bruce Davis (Danny DeVito) are all stuck in the Haunted Mansion. I suppose they’re not really stuck, but as the malevolent ghosts affix themselves 
to Gracey Mansion visitors, they all feel like they gotta stay in the mansion until the mystery is solved.
I’m not exactly sure what logic employs any of this. Why do the people gotta stay in the mansion? And why are the ghosts tied exactly to the mansion until a guest shows up? And why aren’t the ghosts happy when they get to leave the mansion to do some one-on-one haunting? None of it matters. Point is the place is haunted and these six gotta figure out what to do about it before I stopped caring which was … about twenty minutes after Jared Leto showed up.
To get into this plot, one not only has to accept ghosts are a thing and they have rules and they have an agenda and that somehow history needs to be corrected to satisfy those rules. The latter is a real sticking point for me because the film assumes a peculiarly non-racist history of New Orleans. I don’t particularly care how you choose to look at history, but don’t pretend that when the ancient Gracey
Manor was built that the slaves who built it and their masters had equal rights. If the ghosts are reflections upon the people who lived in this mansion, they would almost certainly reflect a racism completely ignored by the film, almost as if the Ron DeSantis version of Disney exists after all.
The latter is significant from my POV, yet it isn’t what makes the film a non-starter. That is handled by the fact that the fellow next to me in a crowded theater fell asleep twice, snoring loudly each time. My packed house got more of a charge out of his neighbor telling him loudly to go sleep at home than anything on screen.
Like the ride itself, Haunted Mansion is too long and ends in a place where you’re ready to do something else. The film tries, but falls short of both engagement and entertainment. It’s not funny enough to justify the horror and it’s not horror enough to justify the humor. I doubt we’ve ended the attempts to make Haunted Mansion into a franchise, but I don’t see a sequel coming from this particular iteration.
A scientist acquired a task he couldn’t veto
Hunting ghosts with Haddish and DeVito
Yet the scariest spectre
In this sub-parish sector
Was the pre-make-up ghoul, Jared Leto
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
Director: Justin Simien
Writer: Katie Dippold
Genre: Failed attempt #2
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Disney Executive
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Disney Investor
