You lost me in the opening shot. Seriously. One still and I’m questioning “why?” We see a long shot of a military compound and the caption reads: “GADDAFI’s OLD CHEMICAL PLANT.” Not “Libya.” Not “center of evil.” Not even “place where nuclear detonators are.” It should be known from the outset that the MacGuffin in Expend4bles is a set of nuclear detonators stolen from a country that has no nuclear program, but that’s irrelevant. General and Libyan strongman Muammer Gaddafi died in 2011. He hadn’t been relevant to Americans since Dennis Miller was the news anchor at “SNL.” So namedropping “Gaddafi” appeals to whom, exactly? Certainly not anybody female or under the age of 40. Perhaps the type of person worried about a “Chemical Plant” as if there weren’t five already in whatever city you live in. One sentence, film, just one fragmented locale description, and you’ve already told me 1) the limited audience you are trying to appeal to and 2) how little you think of them.
Expend4bles is that kind of film. While bad guy Rahmat (Iko Uwais) is stealing nukes from a country that has none, Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) and Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) are in New Orleans creating trouble where none need be. Barney has lost his sacred skull ring to a group of stripper bar ne’er-do-wells and he wants it back. I’m disturbed by this whole subplot. Why did Barney lose his ring if it meant so much to him? Did he run out of money? Does he have a gambling problem? Does he have a drinking problem? Why would you gamble something so meaningful to you that you’re willing to sacrifice yourself AND your BFF to get it back at all costs? … and then, why can’t you take “no” for an answer? You asked for the ring back and dude said, “NO.” No means no, Barney. It’s his ring now; he’s allowed to treat it as a commodity, religious icon, or sexual stimulation device if he so chooses. He isn’t required to sell it back to you at all.
But that’s not how films like these work. We came for fists and blood and we’re going to get both, regardless of moral position.
After the not-brief-enough bar scuffle, the Expend4bles -a team of semi-elite geriatric mercenaries- are called to “GADDAFI’s OLD CHEMICAL PLANT,” where a heist is still going on! That’s right, a team of old men are going to fly from Louisiana to Libya and expect to see action. This is red meat for any douchebag who still namedrops the word “Benghazi.” After all, we all now know that anything happening in Libya can be responded to instantaneously. Hillary betrayed us all! :eyeroll: And, let me understand this correctly – intel knew that the target was nuclear detonators (again, in country that has no nukes; maybe they’re on loan), and 
sent mercenaries, not soldiers nor CIA, but old mercenaries … with WWIII possibly on the line, you sent 77 year-old Sylvester Stallone. Quality move, whomever is in charge.
Sadly, Barney dies at “GADDAFI’s OLD CHEMICAL PLANT.” Well … not so sadly, it turns out, as he was -both plot-wise and character-wise- expendable. BTW, if someone avenges your death, doesn’t that make you, by definition, NOT expendable? Asking for a friend. The thing is that all Sly really contributed to the film was grunting and half-assed punchlines, and it turns out just about anybody can do that.
Obligatory sad scenes, Obligatory vengeance vows. Obligatory pretense about value of life and desire to avoid violence. Obligatory carnage ensuing. Geez, I’d like cliché platter #5 and supersize it, please.
With Stallone gone, the film decides to focus on Statham and his on-again, off-again GF Gina (Megan Fox). They have destructive sex; those two must go through a lot of furniture. In shifting from Sly as focus to Statham, Expend4bles gets some credit in that Statham has been the focal point of good films this century, but this isn’t among them. There’s just a whole lot of testosterone-fueled hijinks and plots that don’t work. This entire film, this entire franchise, heck, this entire gerne comes down to: our group of assholes > your group of assholes. If that works for you, I hope to Christ you miss the polls next November, cuz I can guarantee right now you aren’t going to vote for anybody or anything that will help humanity in any way.
There once was an actor named Sly
A physical brute of a guy
His films that showed heart
Gave audiences a start
But those seem days long gone by
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Scott Waugh
Writer: Kurt Wimmer, Tad Daggerhart, Max Adams
Genre: Making old white men feel slightly verile
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Do you know who Muammer Gaddafi is? Do you care?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People not turned on by Megan Fox in heavy makeup
