Well, gosh, usually when Americans make a cheesy romcom out of a Greek isle, I expect an ABBA soundtrack. It’s hard not to feel cheated here; there’s all the trappings of crappy Greek island romance, can’t we at least tune themoout while “Take a Chance on Me” plays at full volume? Writer/director/star Nia Vardalos has once again found her roots to be screenplay fodder, yet her third delve into the comedic orchard feels overworked and underripe.
Bored with the Chicago shtick, what remains of the Portokalos family takes a Greek vacation to honor Toula’s late father. I was expected several “Ode to a Grecian Urn” jokes as fastidious brother Nick (Louis Mandylor) carted dad’s ashes around the island, but I must have fallen asleep during that part.
The thin premise – and I mean thin as a layer of phyllo – is that dad had a dream diary or whatever with pictures and memories from the old country (“which old country, exactly? He wouldn’t say.” :rimshot: ) and Toula “promised” to reunite the book with his crazy six-year-old pals … who, I might add, all survived, probably because they never had to endure the American health care system. Several cars, planes, and one beat-up livestock truck later, the gang all lands in their homeland … which is deserted.
Why is the village deserted? We never really find out. It might be because a big rock dammed the water flow down the mountain, but that doesn’t quite explain why all the villagers moved rather 
than solving the problem. It’s like one of those cartoons where the person explains, “We had a spider, so we burned the place to the ground and moved to Alaska.”
Speaking of cheap humor (as I’ve just indulged twice), this film is full of it. Not a winning laugh from here to the Tyrrhenian Sea, but that didn’t stop the jokes from coming, like the “there’s the Parthenon!” “Are we going to visit it?” “No.” bit and old “rustic shower is cold” bit and “ten adults sleeping in the same room” bit. And it’s not even that the jokes were so poor as the timing was also a spectacular fail. It’s rare when you can point to editing as a primary reason a film sucks but there it is. The film didn’t lack for energy or attempts; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 feels like a stand-up having a bad night on stage – the jokes are there; they just aren’t landing.
I was trying to imagine any of the players in this film outside the whole Greek Wedding tent and I couldn’t. Oh, I know Nia Vardalos and John Corbett have done other things and Andrea Martin used to be on “SCTV” a lifetime ago, but I’d bet the Big Fat Greek Wedding thing will account for 100% of how we remember them. All of them. Ironically, the people who come off best here are newcomers to the franchise, Maria Vacratsis as the entrenched ancient everywoman and Melina Kotselou as the “town mayor” who is currently trying to achieve every stripe in the LGBTQ banner. In the end, however, I’m going to find both actors every bit as forgettable as this film.
There once lived a woman who’d yearn
For a chance to claim roots and learn
What her father would say
And now his dying day
Created An Ode to this Grecian’s Turn
Rated PG-13, 92 Minutes
Director: Nia Vardalos
Writer: Nia Vardalos
Genre: It’s all Greek to me
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Greeks, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Gee, this is kinda tiresome, huh?”
