We are now up to “Grandpa Nic Cage,” are we? Does that mean he will start playing villains now, as many aging actors start doing? Of course, that question doesn’t really apply to FYNC, who has played several notable villains already. There seems absolutely nothing natural about this weird man’s career arc … and while today’s film is no exception, it seems comparatively normal. A long-retired guy who still has -and employs- CIA assassin skills? Yeah, we’ve seen that. But usually they make him one of The Expendables, right?
The true question now is whether Nicolas Cage is an acquired taste. Will his unique acting style appeal to generations beyond mine? Or do we have to put that bunny back in the box? Speaking of acquired tastes, FYNC plays one as an estranged ex-family man drinking himself to death in the Cayman Islands. The story shouldn’t have been about him … but since when has a Nicolas Cage film NOT been about Nicolas Cage, huh?
Ashley (Ashley Greene) gets hold of a MacGuffin. It was stolen by her husband, a mob lackey. The mob is run by Jackie Earle Haley, who -in a scene of frustration- wields a baseball bat. For those of us with long memories, seeing Jackie Earle Haley grip a baseball bat actually brought a tear to my eye. (And somewhere in the back of my memory, Carmen is playing.) When the MacGuffin reaches Ashley, she stuffs it in her kid’s backpack and sends the poor kid alone to go be with “Matt or Jim” (Cage), her grandfather, whom she’s never met.
Even though the child finds him passed out from alcohol on a beach, Grandpa Matt or Jim wakes in time and condition to start taking out mob guys.
This is the very definition of “caper,” isn’t it? It’s like a Donald Westlake novel come to life – mob 
guys after a hard drive in the possession of a 5th grader only to be rubbed out by an old man with young skills. And, of course, the kid doesn’t know gramps at all because Matt or Jim was a shitty father or husband. Now, that I have no trouble believing.
The Retirement Plan was written and directed by Tim Brown, apparently NOT the Hall of Fame wide receiver, which may or may not explain the short-coming in both script and direction. The latter are more obvious at the start of the film; the former are more obvious at the end of it. And there’s the part where we the audience get to determine whether Ron Perlman is a good guy or a bad guy, which is an odd question of a man who has kidnapped a little girl. All that said, I found The Retirement Plan watchable and from time-to-time entertaining. That’s all a film like this can ask of an audience, so I have to call the film a minor success despite its numerous shortcomings. But you sure don’t have to; do me a favor and tear The Retirement Plan apart if you ever see it.
There once was a Jim or Matt
Well versed and deadly combat
His grandkid comes to stay
So he blows villains away
Wait. Is that Kelly Leak with a baseball bat?!
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Tim Brown (the HOF Oakland Raider?)
Writer: Tim Brown
Genre: FYNC!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ex-CIA looking for their own redemption arcs
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Mobsters
