Another Disney Channel reject. That’s exactly what I thought upon exiting Camp Hideout; the stunning realization that the Disney Channel must have some sort of QC gatekeeper floored me. That there exist family films out there which somehow undercut Disney programming is quite a revelation. I mean, yeah, some Disney films are fun, but have you actually delved into everything they offer? Well, Camp Hideout is below that level.
Noah (Ethan Drew) is an orphan and a troubled teen. His “parole officer” -for lack of a better term- has warned him that he must go to camp – the fun kind with friends and activities – or face juvenile detention. How does Noah approach this choice? With a pre-planned b&e theft. Only in escaping the rent-a-cop does he opt for the camp bus. After stepping aboard, Noah manages to make a loyal friend and a sworn enemy before he even takes a seat on the bus, which has to be quickest anyone has ever achieved such.
The item Noah has stolen is still on his person as he made a poor hand-off to his criminal overlords; they want the item back.
Asked and answered in Camp Hideout is why our problematic hero is on the lam from “gangsters.” And by “gangsters,” I mean guys who made the duo in Home Alone look like Al Capone. Unasked and unanswered was the question: why does our problematic hero have a parole officer? I swear the bland countenance of Noah sends a message to all troubled teens; that message being: if you surround yourself with enough dorks, dull surliness can appear cool by contrast.
Is Noah a bad kid? The film says, “no; he’s just had some bad breaks and made some poor choices.” Ok, I can get behind that, but I’d sure like to know 1) Why was he in trouble even before the caper that landed him at camp? 2) Why did he choose the theft that landed him at camp, when he could have and should have chosen otherwise? 3) How does he feel about a future life of crime? Despite this film’s pathetic take, one week at Camp Understanding doesn’t necessarily change a person’s outlook forever.
Guiding our troubled teen is Jake, played by the now grown-up version of Corbin Bleu. I swear my favorite part in this film is Jake going into stories about another troubled teen he “once knew.” Tell 
me, was it Troy? It was Troy, wasn’t it? Was this before or after you sang, “We’re All in This Together?”
What I didn’t realize through this eye-rolling dreck of Noah finding his place in kinda-God-camp was that it was all performative foreplay. What the film didn’t tell us is that the true villains are the jokers looking for the MacGuffin Noah stole -which he doesn’t want, btw- and they visit when the kids turn it into Camp Home Alone. Oh goody; I haven’t seen this since Thanksgiving.
There are a weird variety of morals here for a family film. First off, I don’t really know who Noah is. Neither his acting nor the screenplay makes it clear. Maybe he’s a kid going straight, as the ending would suggest, and maybe he’s still pissed at the world. Either way, there’s still no plan as to how orphan Noah plans to stay out of trouble in the future. Also, there’s this weird lack of detail regarding the MacGuffin itself – What did Noah steal? Why do the villains want it? Is it valuable? And how about the person he stole it from? We never get that guy’s perspective on anything, including why was it encoded in a retro Gameboy and hanging out in a real estate office? And then the film decides somewhat arbitrarily that after the pain of shielding this valuable artifact from idiots, it now belongs to Noah and his friends.
That’s not how morality works. Oh, this film was made by American Christians? I get it now.
There once was a rascal named Noah
Who was a rebel, but mostly for show-a
He got stuck in a setting
With Jesus-like vetting
Now he’s all messed up with no place to grow-a
Rated PG, 100 Minutes
Director: Sean Olson
Writer: Kat Olson, C. Neil Davenport, Dave DeBorde
Genre: Disney Channel reject
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Delinquents with zero hard edges?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Realists
