Do you get jealous over Christmas letters? I suppose it’s possible. Do you also then get jealous at FB posts and office raffles? Again, I suppose it’s possible, but … um … wow. There is a next-level pettiness that goes with running down a Christmas letter. Then again, this is one horrible Christmas letter.
Jackie Jennings (Brandy) sent out their annual family recap which was over-the-top in every way possible. Heck, I might be jealous if I didn’t start laughing from absurdity. Oh, of course, your 11-year-old genius is attending Harvard in the fall.
Look, when 11-year-olds get accepted into Harvard, that’s bigger news than a family Christmas letter. Your friends already know.
Oh, it’s this kind of film, huh? And by that I mean the kind of film where nobody -and I mean NOBODY- double-checked a single thing. For instance, let’s take a look at this 11-year-old in action. Playing chess against a PhD adult, we have the following moment:
PhD adult: (moves piece) “Check”
11-year-old genius: (moves piece) “CHECKMATE!”
*sigh* We don’t really understand the rules of chess, do we? Ok, lemme go over it: When a player says “check,” that means the opponent’s king is in jeopardy and the game will end on the next turn if the opponent doesn’t either move the king or block the threatening piece. When an opponent can do neither action without losing the king anyway, that’s called “checkmate” and that’s when the game ends. So, the idea that one can get their king out of check AND checkmate their opponent IN ONE MOVE is -while not impossible- stupid beyond belief.
You know how it is said that Trump is poor man’s idea of what a rich man is? (And stupid man’s idea of what a smart man is?) This is a stupid movie’s idea of what a smart movie is. That moment wouldn’t pass by Nickleodeon without somebody saying, “wait a sec.”
When I recognize formerly name actors in Christmas films, I get a little sad. It’s not just a “where have you been?” 
thing, it’s a “Oh. Oh. Oh.” thing. It is the realization that the actor in question didn’t take time off voluntarily; they got put in acting exile.
In this case, the action is paced by remarkably similar alternative universe A-Listers Heather Graham and Jason Biggs. Both came into prominence and national conversations for doing awkward sexual deeds on camera. This sustained both their careers for a period of years until we all realized neither actor was all that talented. And now, God help them, they’re in a shitty Christmas movie.
Anyway, the idea here is that Charlotte (Graham) gets so worked up about her old friend Brandy’s newsletter that she has to investigate. Oh, and these idiots somehow manage to go to Brandy’s house instead of Charlotte’s sister for Christmas because being a PhD means, apparently, that you have no idea how to read a map.
Can we at least let Brandy sing? She’s pretty good at that. Although her voice is wasted on Christmas music here. I suppose I grudgingly enjoyed the euphemism “making furniture” for having sex. And yet, that’s an island in an ocean of stupid. There isn’t an honest moment in Best. Christmas. Ever! I’d rate it lower, but it’s Christmas.
There once was a woman named Charlotte
Who made a career for playing a harlot
And instead of good cheer
She visited to sneer
If only she could return to her age of scarlet
Rated TV-PG, 82 Minutes
Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Todd Calgi Gallicano, Charles Shyer
Genre: Did Hallmark reject a Christmas script? That seems unlikely
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People so into Christmas they might ignore the flimsy and stupid plot
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with taste
