Did Joseph and Mary ever have sex? It stands to reason they did eventually. The Bible (while decidedly inconclusive on the subject) is very clear that Mary was a virgin at the time of Jesus’ birth, and yet such suggests that she and her not-so-Godly Earth husband did indeed consummate their marriage at some point. So was Joseph impotent? It seems pretty clear that Mary was certainly capable – I mean, if you can birth the Lord, how hard would a mere mortal encore be? And yet, Jesus had no siblings. We know this. So, question still on the table – did Joseph and Mary ever experience physical love?
Why am I concerned with such potential blasphemy? Well, here’s the thing. In Journey to Bethlehem, Joseph (Milo Manheim) is a playah. He’s so much a guy’s guy that he’s willing to hit on a girl even after he’s betrothed. Sure, the betrothed girl turns out to be Mary (Fiona Palomo), but he didn’t know that. I kinda feel bad for history’s most notable cuckold knowing that he never got any when he clearly loved to play the game. It’s possible his sole role in life is that of Jesus’ human father; in Catholic schools, you can take a class on Maryology, but I’ve never heard of Broseph 101.
Wait. Was Joseph secretly gay and Mary a beard? That makes me feel a little better.
This holiday season, Christianity gets more hip with a musical version of the birth of Christ. Why it’s The Greatest Story Ever, Bold! Check out the fashionable, new era versions of “Silent Night,” “O Holy Night,” and any other night you got. Check out Herod (Antonio Banderas) musically crow “it’s so stinking good to be king.” (Grown-up Simba?). Then check out Melchior (Omid Djalilli) in sunglasses (!) and the three wise-men cancan.
I’m not making any of that up. I know. I know. I have a propensity to make stuff up that kinda fits and it’s hard to tell sometimes, but I didn’t make any of that up.
This is Mamma Mia! … only in Bible form.
There’s even the archangel Gabriel (Lecrae) psyching himself up for “the talk” with Mary. I kid you not.
What does it all mean? It’s clear to me that it means some ultra-Christians are trying to sell Jesus to a new 
generation. It’s kind fun how they imagine this will work. Sure, reject the history proposed by The DaVinci Code. Sure, ignore the fact that the biggest American voices for Jesus are the ones most responsible for the worst political decisions in the past ten years. Even better, ignore the HUGE contrast between the Republican pro-Jesus crowd and the actual person and messages of Jesus Christ himself. Apparently, nothing matters any longer except personal perception.
Ok, well, in that case, I’ve got a personal perception for you … this story ain’t great. It never has been a great story, and this version is no exception. I never truly believed Joseph or Mary was in danger. The biggest conflict seems to be Joseph accepting that Mary was carrying a child that is not his, and *spoiler* they make it to Bethlehem, as they have in every single Jesus birth of all time. I see that the score has been tampered with. Fine. But without any hip new tune set for the radio, I don’t see any impact one way or another.
While I’m generally resentful of Christian messaging barely disguised as entertainment, Journey to Bethlehem managed to convince me it was a movie first and sermon second, BUT it wasn’t a great movie, so forgive me, Lord, but who cares?
There once was a merchant named Joe
Who hit on a woman for show
Turned out, it’s his wife
And whole future life
But the joke was on him, doncha know?
Rated PG, 98 Minutes
Director: Adam Anders
Writer: Adam Anders, Peter Barsocchini
Genre: Yaaaaaaaaay, God!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ultra-Christian parents desperate to indoctrinate their children
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Adding hip music doesn’t actually erase the modern failures of Christianity”
