Little known actor Terry Camilleri played Napoleon in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. This was his best role; his credits include “Delivery Man” (Superman III), “Cashier” (Knowing), and the universally beloved portrayal of “Man in Bathtub” (The Truman Show). I mention this because the Maltese actor “delivered” a more compelling vision of the infamous dictator/general than Joaquin Phoenix did in the film Napoleon.
That isn’t necessarily Joaquin’s fault; the film is a dud no matter what you do, but I will say that whenever either he or Vanessa Kirby was on-screen, the film practically comes to a stand-still. Considering these two are the primary actors of this biopic, that’s not a good sign.
Napoleon Bonaparte was born in Corsica, which means he should have felt right at home being exiled not once, but twice to island confinement. However, one of the things we can all agree on is they don’t make islands big enough to contain his ambition. Napoleon made a lot of war during his time as emperor of France; he presumably made a lot of love, too, which we -thankfully- only get little snippets of at best. I don’t think anyone needs to see the little emperor. Ridley Scott, who has made several good films in his life, really missed the baguette with this entry, one of the reasons being we learn very little about our subject; the film plays like a Wikipedia entry, jumping from historical point to historical point without ever giving us much background on why we’re there or how our subject feels about being there. The one thing Ridley Scott is sure of is that Napoleon was devoted to Josephine (Kirby), and the two of them share one of the worst screen romances in film history. Their “meetcute” involves him staring hungrily and then insisting upon not learning her name. Tell me, did that work in the 18th century? You look like a stalker.
Like so many people who rise to more power than anyone should ever have, Napoleon was a “right place/right time” kinda guy. We meet “Captain” Napoleon passively eye the beheading of Marie Antoinette in anticipation of a bigger role made possible by the power vacuum. Before long, he wins a big battle to take a port city and the rest -shall we say- is history. During his lifetime, Napoleon would wage war to the tune of 3,000,000 dead Frenchmen. He was a dick on three different continents, but -awwww- he loved Josephine, sorta, I think.
The real Napoleon died at age 51. Joaquin Phoenix is 49, but looks like he’s 60. He would have to be emperor of France to make time with Josephine … or Melania for that matter … I thought for sure this film would make a comparison (although an ill one) between this
French post-revolution megalomaniac and our current homebred megalomaniac, Donald Trump. Honestly, I think it tried, though the comparison is poor (as Trump has no genuine skills other than selling himself) and the film itself isn’t written well-enough to decipher such a message. That’s all a bit disappointing.
Did I say “disappointing?”” I’m not sure that begins to describe what went on here. The film is 158 minutes long and I enjoyed -maybe- ten of those minutes. And that’s being generous. There is a wonderful recreation of the Battle of Austerlitz, which might have been even better with any sort of context added. (Wiki sez it led to the disillusion of the Holy Roman Empire, which would have been nice to know … all we see is “ooooh, horses, ice, cannonfire, cooool”) Overall, this telling of Napoleon was extremely dry and mechanical, paced by an awful love affair and constantly jumping from one point in history that needs better explanation to another point in history that needs better explanation. This feeling is aided not bit by a Napoleon who decided passivity was the better part of valor. Yeah, just stand there in your stupid hat, pal. Sure, the real Napoleon was as polarizing a figure as Donald Trump and messed up Europe as much as the Nazis, but, yeah, let’s go for passive; that’s who the guy was.
I have no need for this film; I harken back to Alexander for similar subject matter so poorly revealed. I hope I never need to talk about this film again, but I’m guessing that won’t be the case.
.
An emperor of devil-may-care
Always seemed to have war to declare
Leaving bodies by the score
He made us loathe him more
Save for his relationship to the eclair
Rated R, 158 Minutes
Director: Ridley Scott
Writer: David Scarpa
Genre: Boring history
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Its producers, lobbying for undeserved awards
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People that sat through it
