“Jason Momoa really pissed me off” seems a common thought, huh? From professional wrestlers to acting coaches, the list (I imagine) of those with a grievance against Jason is probably quite large. So it makes perfect sense that such would be, essentially, the plot of a Jason Momoa movie. Heck, it could and probably should be the plot of ALL the Jason Momoa movies. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start with the sequel to Aquaman, the greatest WTF origin story in the DC playbook.
Fully mature and ripened sea king Arthur Curry (a.k.a. “Aquaman”) now has the title of “father” to add to his list of mostly ill-defined accomplishments. The seaman managed to spawn successfully at his home ground, which seems apt. The early part of this film is all set in the House of Curry, which is little more than a shack next to a lighthouse. And inside, the king of the seas plays stay-at-home dad. Score one for modern parenting; take one away from political efficacy. Aw, Aquaman (Momoa) hates all that political bulls*** anyway, so he’s right to shun it. I mean, how much help does the sea and all its creatures need anyway?
Oh, and Aquababy can’t talk … to humans, but Young Salt can order the Hell out of goldfish. I’m sure the baby’s ability to communicate with sea creatures will come up again in this film, right? I mean, why else have the scene? Right? Right?
While Aquaman is hosting Daddy Cray Care, the Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) is plotting revenge. Aquaman killed his father. It’s possible this villainous sea guy would make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts, but for now, he’s gotta fix the old mosquito costume to go after Aquaman. We know Manta means business, cuz he spends his free time searching for stuff. Lucky for him, there’s a magic trident
inside one of those chests that bubbles at the bottom of an aquarium and it not only fixes his bug suit, it also summons some sort of immortal ancient evil. Do we believe the ancient evil is going to be worse to the sea than modern man? Apparently, we do, and Aquafamilyman has got to save the day.
Early on, it was clear writer/director James Wan wasn’t getting enough bad acting out of Jason Momoa and crew, so he found Patrick Wilson again. Orm, yes “Orm,” (Wilson) you might remember as the imprisoned half-brother of Aquaman, and he is the key to knowing where Manta is “hiding.” Of course, Manta isn’t hiding anywhere, so this was just an excuse to get Wilson involved so somebody else can play Aquaman’s wife when Amber Heard goes down.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is entirely a tongue-in-cheek film. With every crowd reaction, the picture says, “oh, you think that was silly? Wait. I’ve got sillier!” With each new addition of sea trash, Randall Park looks physically pained by how bad the film is (yeah, pal, like your standards are so much higher). At this time, I simply refuse to describe any more of this green screen inanity. I dunno if this sequel is any better than the first Aquaman. On the one hand, I was better prepared for a world of undersea stupidity, on the other hand, another world of undersea stupidity. I don’t mind the Aquaman character, and -truth be told- Jason Momoa seems as good as anybody to play him, but I could do without any more Aquafilms for a while. This seaweed is always greener on somebody else’s screen.
There once was a fish guy named Curry
Who could summon fish in a hurry
But preferred, like a dork
To play with his fork
And leave Atlantis in a wet slurry
Rated PG-13, 124 Minutes
Director: James Wan
Writer: James Wan, David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick, and Jason Momoa & Thomas Pa’a Sibbett
Genre: Large man, green screen
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Did you like the first Aquaman? Same film, only later
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “This ain’t exactly Titanic, dig?”
