I didn’t realize genies came in “white,” did you? I mean, it’s not often you see somebody confuse The Middle East for The Mid-West, but here’s Melissa McCarthy playing a Genie. Look, I suppose these things aren’t real, so a Genie can be anything from Awkwafina to Aquafina, but when you make a Genie a midwestern white woman, is there not a smidge of cultural appropriation going on? I suppose it’s not as bad as the white Jesus we all seem to worship, but … similar.
Bernard (Paapa Essiedu) is such a slave to work that he has become a crappy family man. Instead of telling his boss to stuff it one a late December evening that coincides with his daughter’s birthday, he stays to entertain a potential client. As a result, Bernard arrives home late, misses his daughter’s birthday, half-asses the salvage and invites the pain. Having had enough, Bernard’s wife Julie (Denée Benton) decides she and the kid need to be elsewhere for a while. This family is unraveling fast.
In the morning, Bernard attempts to reevaluate his stupid life, which amounts to polishing up the “jewel box” he gave the kid for a present. And wouldn’t you know? Melissa McCarthy pops out and starts granting wishes like Oprah on steroids. (The “three wishes” thing is a myth, you see.)
Why is the plot of these films always about failed wishes? I get when big wishes fail for being too big or too thoughtless. I mean, say, wishing that Donald Trump were never born would have several unforeseen consequences AND it wouldn’t address the general rot within the Republican Party. I mean, I’d chance it anyway; how much worse could it be? Point is – THAT is a wish. Instead of such, however, this film give us: “I wish for pizza from Ray’s.” Geez, slow down, speed buggy. Just a pizza from Ray’s. Not, pizza from Ray’s for life or a calzone from that place that went out of business several years ago or, I dunno, how about “the feeling that I just ate pizza from Ray’s every time I think about the number seven?”
This leads to my next complaint – that the wishes are always short term. Do you know why wishing people always ask for zillions of dollars? So it won’t run out. So they’ll be satisfied for the rest of their lives. How about asking for “every time I see a price tag on something for the rest of my life, I have that amount of cash to spend?” I’m nit-picking, but … am I?
See, as soon as Bernard realizes his wife has left and he’s got a Genie, he wishes to visit his wife. *poof* wish granted. OK, Bernard. What’s the next move? What’s the next wish? Haven’t got one?
How can you be so bad at this?
Not that Melissa McCarthy was any help; there was little in this performance that will remind anyone longing for Aladdin to feel satisfied. Now, that’s not to say the screenplay didn’t have some moments. Genie knew Jesus Christ personally? Ok, I guess we can roll with that a little. I laughed out loud when the new-to-the-21st-century Genie thought people at the gym were being tortured. “I will avenge thee!” Also, one has to smile a little at a Genie fascinated by motion pictures and, specifically, Tom Cruise.
I’m not calling Genie terrible, but even the kindest among us would call it uneven. I nearly cried when I saw it had been written by Richard Curtis, once the best screenwriter of romance in the biz. I won’t back down from that remark and I will preface this damnation by stating Genie is one Curtis re-write from a stage play (“Bernard and the Genie”) he penned long before he wrote Four Weddings and Funeral or Love Actually. But, but, but … why did you not write this version better? There are -quite literally-seven romances in Love Actually superior to the one in Genie. I’d say you phoned it in, but when Bernard and the Genie was first written, there were no cell phones. Is there a special term for that quaint red booth Londoners used to manipulate for phone calls? Richard Curtis, you did that, whatever that is.
There once was a man called Bernard
Whose marriage was irreparably scarred
But he found him a djinn
Quite a coup to be in
Had ICE not insisted on a green card
Rated PG, 93 Minutes
Director: Sam Boyd
Writer: Richard Curtis
Genre: Movies that seemed like a good idea at the time
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How much do you love Melissa McCarthy?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: How much pain are you in when people make poor choices?
