Gra·tu·i·tous /ɡrəˈto͞oədəs/ adjective: uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted. “gratuitous violence” Let me describe to you a scene of gratuitous nudity … the setting is the outskirts of Sydney, Australia, where a wedding is to take place at the end of the week. Most of the guests have flown from the United States, including two Americans who once, as strangers, shared an understated and delightful night which unfortunately ended in communication-challenged hostility. The two persons in question are Ben (Glen Powell) and Bea (Sydney Sweeney).
Ben and Bea are both close enough to bride and groom to share living quarters among the featured guests. Their focused antagonism has already led to accidental property destruction and their friends have decided that in an effort to control more unforeseen wedding-related disasters, they will try to get these together romantically through more bad communication.
I cannot emphasize enough how bad the communication is in this film. It’s like if Cyrano de Bergerac were written by somebody in junior high school. Ben and Bea both realize their friends are setting them up. Instead of saying, “hey, this isn’t our wedding, we’ll behave,” you know, the thing you might do if you were raining on your friend’s parade, they decide to roll with it. You see, if they go along with their friends’ plan, they can both leverage this relationship into a better relationship with a more desired partner.
We’re already at SMH territory, and I’m not close to the gratuitous part … so Ben and Bea now wish to make a show for their friends that they’re a couple. OK. Sure. I’m still a little floored that none of the people involved wants to come out and say, “ok, you can stop it; we’ll act like grown-ups; we promise.” Fine. Two days before the wedding, everybody important goes out on a hike in “The Outback.”
Yeah, it’s only 20 minutes from downtown Sydney, but nobody knows Australian geography, so we can call anything “The Outback,” right? As a scenic overlook approaches, the two decide to make their move: a showy game of grabass in front of all their friends. The moment is ugly immediately, as neither seems to know how to cop a feel.
I know this is comedy. I KNOW THIS IS COMEDY. But, hear me out, when you don’t know how to feel up a person, it seems as if you’ve never had sex 
in your life, which is -unintentionally- laughable considering the subjects, who were clearly chosen for looks well above their respective acting abilities.
Now, sure, I don’t necessarily know all the rules or protocol of grabass, but I can tell you ways which are obviously wrong – you don’t treat an ass like a magic lamp. Rubbing furiously will not make a genie appear. And there is no need to search for buried treasure. It’s an ass; you might not like what you find.
Speaking of which, Bea’s sub-waistband search gets harrowing when she “finds a lump.” She immediately retrieves a giant spider lurking beneath Ben’s tight shorts. How did a giant spider get down under a pair of tight shorts? It didn’t. This is stupid. Ben, horrified, then proceeds to tear off his entire outfit and throw it off the cliff for fear of more spiders. This would be gratuitous nudity. You might even call it the very definition of such. And the punchline? None of their friends were paying attention; they were all focused in the other direction on a nesting koala bear. Comedy.
I don’t have to tell you that the entire picture of Anyone But You is exactly like this, do I? I dunno how many times I need to see the “public bathroom sink malfunction” moment on film before it gets funny. Lemme tell ya, it wasn’t funny the first time I saw it and hasn’t been funny since. I also dunno how many times I’m going to see the “friends instigate secret plot to get couple together” before it doesn’t feel like I’m watching a bad sitcom, but that will take several more attempts as well.
I suppose I did appreciate the Titanic “King of the World” recreation that ended with both partners in the water, but even that scene was longer and more indulgent than it needed to be.
The sad part about all this is I could be target audience for romcoms. I’m a sucker for romance; I cry easy; and I feel like lost love lies among the biggest horrors known to man. But pretty young people not figuring out they didn’t communicate well is never going to punch my ticket. Anyone But You is a lazy gratuitous reminder that Glen Powell isn’t flying jets this year. And I kinda wish he were.
It’s the story of Ben and Bea
Two people just so darn pretty
But interactive distaste
Got feelings misplaced
And their revenge has been exacted on me
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Will Gluck
Writer: Ilana Wolpert, Will Gluck
Genre: Dumb romance
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Desperate coeds
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Their dates
