Why, it’s Hold My Beer: The Film. Think you’ve seen silly? Implausible? Wait five minutes. Argylle is a movie in which a skeptic could say, “That’s not how that works” in literally every.single.scene and not be wrong. Ah, but this is the draw, not the drawback. Approaching this spy thriller with reality is a fatal mistake. Seriously, there isn’t a scene in the film that holds up to scrutiny, which is a choice the film made … and a good one, because without the silly, Arqylle is probably just an implausible waste of time.
Our titular spelling-challenged hero, Argylle (Henry Cavill) is a super spy. Superman here also has a ridiculous widow’s-peak hairstyle that comes straight from an action figure. In the opening, he haunts a dance floor with anti-spy Dua Lipa only to realize when the music stops that every person in the room has a gun trained on him. Does he escape? Of course he does, and then he goes after his quarry while using his SUV like a skateboard.
This is ok because Argylle is fictional, the invention of novelist Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard). Sure, superspies can escape that. Sure, cars can do that. Sure, John Cena can pluck a cyclist from her vehicle like one can pluck an apple from a tree. Usually, the tree isn’t doing 50 MPH, of course. But it’s all fictional, right?
Elly’s primary editor and mother (Catherine O’Hara) senses the ending on her newest book is copout, so Elly takes the train to visit mom, and -suddenly- the fiction becomes reality. Confronted by multiple hitmen, Elly is saved by scraggly real-life spy Aidan Wilde (Sam Rockwell). This conflict ends with the spy and the writer parasailing away from the train because of course it does.
If we believe the plot, it’s like this: Elly is your standard Tom Clancy/Robert Ludlum/John le Carré, but her “guesses” regarding international espionage are so spot-on that she’s made herself into a genuine target. See how that works? No, of course you don’t. And you’re right not to. Oh, and she also travels with a cat in her backpack, because of course she does. And if you don’t think this cat gets significant play in their new spy world, you aren’t paying attention.
You can loathe this film. You can loathe it for inaccuracy or plot or trivialization of important matters or lack of realism or the sugar-coating of violent death and mayhem situations or, you know, maybe you just hate Bryce Dallas
Howard. All are valid reasons. Although I should point out here this is Howard’s best role and best performance in her career to date, by far, imho. But if you roll with the silly, and given the director is Matthew Vaughn there’s no reason not to, this is a fun film.
To illustrate, late in the film, we’re in a giant underground room filling with oil from pierced pipes. The flow is shut off, leaving an inch-thick spread of oil all over the surface. If you’ve seen The Transporter, you have an idea of what’s going on here. The bad guys have been ordered to shelve their guns for fear of sparking disaster, so this is going to be a knife fight in oil. Our heroine, a former skating champ, immediately affixes knife blades to her sneakers (like you do) and proceeds to have a combination knife fight/Olympic short program. This scene made the film for me. After this point, I would have said I enjoyed it no matter what else happened.
Look, Argylle ain’t exactly Citizen Kane, but it is fun, and it is easily the best popcorn film 2024 has to offer thus far in the season. There are several James Bond films that will leave you emptier and more unfulfilled than this one.
There once was a woman named Elly
Who wrote spy books oh so swelly
Confronted with real
She lost all her zeal
And denounced her faux Machiavelli
Rated PG-13, 139 Minutes
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writer: Jason Fuchs
Genre: That’s not how that works
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Those with a taste for hyperbole
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Literalists
