The magic of farming eludes me. Don’t get me wrong; the importance of farming cannot be underestimated. The Louisiana Purchase brought the United States the very best farmland in the world. That, as much as any other factor, made the United States a world power. Never underestimate the importance of farming. The magic, however … meh. Chalk me up with limousine-spying City Folk thinkin’ “that’s a mighty keen.”
Unfortunately, today’s film is all about farming. Oh, there’s a bit of sword and sorcery, but The Promised Land is, essentially, about a stubborn Dane turning the stubborn heath into a stubborn potato farm … and all the fun that goes into such.
Captain Ludvig Kahlen (Mads Mikkelsen) had an idea. As noted above, it wasn’t my kind of idea, but maybe in 1755 Denmark, the prospect of farming the Jutland moors was the equivalent of Disneyland. In an audience with the king’s l’il helpers, the retired Captain proposed that he could turn the brambles and weeds of the king-owned Jutland moor into farming country. Having nothing to lose, the king’s l’il helpers said, “Fine. Here’s a pittance. If you’re successful, we’ll make you baron of the barren.” Not quite a direct quote, but you get the idea.
The Captain didn’t lack for problems, starting with the fact that he’s about as cheery as a German winter. Does Mads ever smile? Do we want him to? The problems with farming 
brambleland (other than the soil itself) were numerous: lack of tools, lack of employees, thieves, and this giant Danish prick on the other side of the heath named Frederik de Schinkel (Simon Bennebjerg, the Danish Matt Smith). De Schinkel made it his thing to dog every bit of the Captain’s progress, especially after realizing that two indentured servant defections were working illegally for the Captain.
Worth note that The Promised Land is based on the book The Captain and Ann Barbara where the latter is one of the two servants mentioned above. BTW, do you think Ann Barbara is going to have fun, fun, fun until her daddy takes the Bird-T away? Just a thought.
Is it weird that the Captain’s peer group is Taters and his preferred crop is ‘Tators? Just a thought.
I had lots of time to think about stuff during The Promised Land. It is slow, long, and occasionally off-putting. Acts I and II are about as one-dimensional as screenplays get. Yes, we get it, you want to grow stuff. That’s your #1 priority. We definitely get it. The film picks up in Act III, when violence comes to town along with the emergence of a dark-skinned orphan, Anmai Mus (Melina Hagberg) under the Captain’s care. Neither of these story lines is perfect (probably because they’re based in history) and although there is redemption and satisfaction in this picture, it isn’t enough for me to recommend. There is only so much a film fan can take in two hours of irascible Mads Mikkelsen.
There once was a veteran of war
Who tried to emerge on the far side of poor
He made a deal with the king
To take up farming
On land that is naught but eyesore
Rated R, 127 Minutes
Director: Nikolaj Arcel
Writer: Nikolaj Arcel, Anders Thomas Jensen, Ida Jessen
Genre: Introduction to farming
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Danish historians?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me, it seems
