To crib from Eric Idle: what’s brown and wants to be The Two Towers? Dune: Part Two. It doesn’t get anywhere near there, of course. But not for lack of trying. Dune was big and the sequel is even bigger. Set almost entirely on the desert planet of Arrakis, Dune 2 has more sand than a Jawa’s thong. But it’s valuable sand, and the dudes there are willing to kill and die for it, Jawas be damned.
I made the mistake of not brushing up on the first Dune before seeing the second. If you care, don’t be that guy. Dune: Part Two is long and confusing; the film needs an appendix for viewers. I kinda had to tell myself to follow the cause of Paul Atreides (Timothée Chalamet) as a default; that will handle most of the confusion in that we the audience can generally get behind his POV no matter what else happens … and scenes including Chalamet make up at least 80% of the film.
Dune is, essentially, the story of the lives and loves of Paul as the Duke of Earl here makes his way through Spiceworld. As Dune: Part Two opens, Paul has gotten in with a group of sandpeople (the “Fremen” for those playing at home) and has decided that Chani (Zendaya) could be the one. But you know, Paul, if you wanna be her lover, you gotta get with her friends. Luckily, the nomadic Duke is pretty good at the fighting – and he better be, cuz the angry people from the Mr. Clean planet that killed his dad ain’t stoppin’ there. Local sand warlord Stilgar (Javier Bardem) recognizes an asset when he sees it, so he allows training for Paul to become one of the sandpeople.
Have I lost you so far? Seriously, just follow Timothée Chalamet; that’s all you really need to know. Yeah, his pregnant mom (Rebecca Ferguson) is with him, but she has her own quest: to drink the blue kool-aid and become head of the Mean Girls. Oh, and meanwhile, there’s an Arrakis prophecy about some savior “Madhi” showing up and Paul kinda fits the bill cuz he’s the only foreign person in years who arrived not looking to kill somebody.
Did he kill somebody anyway? Of course he did.
Point is the tribe of Mr. Clean and the Big Machines (my favorite 80s band) have invaded on a mission of genocide and Madhi and the Madhites (my favorites 60s band) have to stop ‘em. And everybody has a secret name, because of course they do. It confused me cuz I figured the secret name of Chani [read: “Johnny”] should be “Zendaya.”
Oh, and I failed to describe the really weird part of planet Arrakis: if you play “Rock the Casbah” loud enough, enormous 
train-sized worms start moving really fast. Destination? Unknown. But they’re big enough to ruin somebody’s day. Steer clear. Literally.
Dune: Part Two is larger than life. It’s a big film with a big cast meant for a big, big screen. It’s kind-of wall-to-wall war, so The Two Towers seems an apt comparison, although everything about Two Towers is better, and I can verify such having seen them both in the last two weeks. I suppose there’s also a fair comparison to Gladiator (another better film) when bald Austin Butler shows his lethal skills in a Colisseum setting and stops just shy of screaming, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?” Perhaps it would have been better if he gyrated a bit and said, “Thankyou. Thankyouverymuch.”
This is an entertaining watch, but little more. Don’t get me wrong; it takes a fair amount of skill to capture one’s attention for nearly three hours. And yet, I see the hype of Dune: Part Two as belonging to a set of people who haven’t been to the movies in a while. Welcome back. Better films than this await, but Dune: Part Two will do for now.
There once was a prince named Atreides
Who rolled in his cosmic Mercedes
But since his dad was offed
His future’s been scoffed
And now he’s at the ass end of Hades
Rated PG-13, 166 Minutes
Director: Denis Villeneuve
Writer: Denis Villeneuve, Jon Spaihts, Frank Herbert
Genre: Made for the IMAX
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sand worms
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: God help you if you don’t think Timothée Chalamet is worth the price of admission by himself
