The Lindsay Lohan career resurrection tour is currently on life support. You know what she needs? I mean, really, really needs if she wants to be taken seriously as an actress? She needs a small role in a Quentin Tarantino film where she has one good line and dies. And then gets a death meme of some sort that becomes iconic for good or bad reasons. Doesn’t matter. That’s what she needs.
You know what she doesn’t need? A painfully bad and poorly written romance. Now all of this is easier said than done. There are few suitors for Lohan at this stage … and after Irish Wish, there will be fewer still. I only mentioned Tarantino because he seems to have a unique gift for recognizing, employing, and recycling wastebasket talent. And don’t kid yourself, Lohan fans – that is exactly where Lindsay Lohan is right now. And right now she needs a starring role in a terrible Hallmark wannabe romcom like she needs an alcohol dependency.
Irish Wish got off to a terrible start. The film decided to define ”wish” in print before the camera showed us anything. 1) Is there anybody who doesn’t know what a wish is? 2) Not sure it got the definition right and 3) It didn’t define “Irish” … the more problematic of the two words. But sure, movie, go ahead and show us your magic.
Maddie (Lohan) is a romance novel editor. The part of James McAvoy is played in this film by Alexander Vlahos as Paul Kennedy, Maddie’s writer and love interest. Maddie hasn’t got the lady balls to make a move, so Paul falls for Emma (Elizabeth Tan), Maddie’s bestie. Then they all go to Ireland for the wedding.
This is the point where Irish Wish becomes and “Oh, look” film. As in:
Oh, look … and meet cute that isn’t cute (a fight over a suitcase)
Oh, look … Lohan’s hair is super red and she’s in the Irish countryside by herself
Oh, look … this film seems to have turned into a laundry and/or soap commercial
Oh, look … a “wishing chair”
Oh, look … she gets her wish and it is immediately wrong.
This last part really bugged me … I mean it is bad enough we’re suffering through terrible romance writing, but out heroine actually getting what she wants doesn’t make her happy for at least five minutes?! And GOOD LORD are you slow on the uptake, woman! How many signs do you need that your reality has changed?
Then back to the …
Oh, look … a spark set up in an alternative universe (which cannot, of course, be recreated except artificially otherwise)
Oh, look … mock Irish culture. Maybe you can all sit down to a box of Lucky Charms after this
Oh, look … magical Saint Brigid (Dawn Bradfield) with a Pennywise moment
Leading to …
Oh, look … an entire film do-over. Nothing we saw mattered. None of it counted, exce
pt for the part where Maddie falls for James (Ed Speleers), but that part is bunk cuz that’s a reality he no longer has access to, so their future relationship is completely one-sided.
Irish Wish was directed by Janeen Damian. I wish to say Janeen Damian’s claim to fame is being married to “The Young and the Restless” star Michael Damian, but that’s not fair. Janeen Damian has written ten pointless Christmas romance films and directed one other film, Falling for Christmas which starred (checks notes) one “Lindsay Lohan.” Well, gosh, that’s a coincidence. Here’s the thing: bad writing in Christmas romances doesn’t exactly get a pass, but the expectations are so much lower because we’ve all seen crappy Christmas romances. Bad writing/bad directing in a spring romance? This was painful. Really, really painful. I don’t there was anything evil enough about this film to merit zero stars, but Irish Wish begged the question.
There was once a girl named Maddie
Who made a wish in the land of St. Paddy
For the man of her dreams
Which was it stupid, it seems
This romcom was much more a traddy
Rated TV-G (and, boy did this one need some “R”), 93 Minutes
Director: Janeen Damian
Writer: Kristen Hansen
Genre: An “Oh look” film
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Wanna say … people who are so desperate for a Lindsay Lohan comeback that films like this happen
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Imagine not even having a tolerance for Christmas movies
