Look, I’m certain that somewhere out there, a group of misguided and fact-challenged MAGA idiots made another boot-licking Trump documentary or another asinine film claiming Trump won the 2020 election, but neither such film came to my attention in 2023, hence, the title of “Worst Film of the Year” was wide open. Even without the standard MAGA contributions, there were still plenty of candidates for worst of 2023. Let’s look at them now.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS
The best and only good thing about this stupid and confusing Halloween-themed waste of comedic talent is the fact that “Funky Town” is now playing in my head, with different lyrics.
They took his child. They took his voice. Then he threw away the rest of his life out of spite and a fatal thirst for rev
enge. The only way this would make a better MAGA tale is if he took revenge on people who never did anything to him.
Leonardo Da Vinci may well have owned the greatest mind known to human history; you’d never know it by this film.
It’s really time for Robert DeNiro to retire. I know. I know. “Killers of the Flower Moon,” you say. Yes, I have considered that. I love DeNiro. He has had a HoF career. It is time for him to retire.
Awww, le
t’s get all nostalgic for a never-was band and the many reasons history ignored them … including their music.
Current front-runner for Best-Cast-to-Worst-Payoff ratio of 2023.
Sometimes outrageous comedy is fun … and sometimes it’s so, so stupid that you lose your will to keep on going in this world. Adam Devine is going to be on the wrong end of that spectrum often in his career.
I’m beginning to believe that Peter Pan (like Pinocchio) is yet another of these “Tales we thought were good, but really aren’t.” You want to enjoy the world of Peter Pan? I mean really, rea
lly enjoy it? Seek the series of books co-written by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. Seriously.
Before I get to the bottom 10, special recognition should go out The Shift, a modern biblical adaptation so transparent and worthless that I walked out halfway through and decided not to review it. I regret nothing.
OK, enough foolin’ around. Those films were bad, but hardly more than appetizers in the feast of rot. The ten below this point are all of the “Why am I watching this?” variety. The answer: “Nobody knows.”
THE BOTTOM TEN
No longer youthful
No real job, bordering
Now on “Tragic Mike”
9. Rebel Moon
Part I, what a mess
Can’t we just end this crap now
Without a Part II?
8. Napoleon
A bio so blah
Not even Napoleon
Would enjoy this film
7. Astérix & Obélix: L’Empire Du Milieu (Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom)
Luckily, I knew
Not enough about these two
To mar my childhood
6. On Fire
When officials plead
“Don’t go back into the fire”
They are not kidding
5. Expend4bles
With the main guy gone
Can we stop pretending that
These films have value?
Arthurian … or
Ancient Greek? Who knows? Where does
MMA come in?
3. Fear
Thought you could escape …
Released in January
Frogblog won’t forget
2. Cocaine Bear
Drugged-up bear mauls all
I really wish he’d started
With the screenwriter
1. The Hill
Everything awful
About the United States
Packaged as virtue
