I’ll tell you the exact moment I checked out. Honestly? It was later than I thought it would be. You can probably thank Godzilla Minus One for that; the Japanese hit from a year ago made me believe monster movies -and, specifically, Godzilla monster movies- didn’t have to be stupid.
No, they do. Minus One was an aberration, not a revelation. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is as overblown and stupid as films get. It is not as bad as films get; I didn’t say that.
Did I expect monstrous stupidity? I did. Did I expect an underground Middle Earth that somehow still has a sky
? I did. Did I expect to see new stupid monsters? I did. Did I expect the giant monster butterfly Mothra to play peacekeeper? No, but that wasn’t the moment. The moment for me was when I realized Kong’s rival for lord of the Middle Earth apes (“Skar King”) was mind-controlling a giant frost-breathing pet lizard with a magical glowing spike on the end of a rudimentary flail.
Forget it, movie, I’m done. You can continue to sell this idiocy to the rest of the theater; I’m going to take a nap. Your tag-teaming big monster Brio in Rio finale will have to wait.
I was encouraged by Godzilla Minus One. I thought the Japanese had taught us the secret: the monster movie works best when it isn’t about the monster. Minus One had plenty of monster, but the film was about a kamikaze pilot seeking redemption for his soul. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is about a monster and another monster and yet another monster after monster after monster. Are Godzilla x 
Kong an item? Wouldn’t that be fun? No, they just share a hobby. But, seriously, Godzilla x Kong: Gimme Some Monster Lovin’ is a much better idea for a film.
While Godzilla is getting his baguette on, King Kong needs a dentist. Geez, man, I hope he’s in network, that co-pay is brutal. Is that why these monsters are angry all the time? No decent health coverage? You know what? THAT, I would believe. It makes more sense than these two showing up in Egypt and engaging in civilization-destroying foreplay.
Next 
thing we know, Kong finds a sinkhole and decides to visit his old Middle Earth haunt. He ends a rude reception by other great, great, great apes with a long-distance enemy-crippling rock toss that would make the corpse of Roberto Clemente blush.
And then … Monsters! Monsters! Monsters!
Oh, there were some humans in this film, I guess. I’m going to spare them the embarrassment of appearing in this review. Early on, one quotes Tennyson to another. Such almost me weep. You just know that came from a writer who pictured themselves doing something more important than penning Godzilla dialogue. Sorry, dude or dudette, few of us are in our dream jobs. BUT IF YOU DIDN’T HALF-ASS THE PLOT WRITING ON THIS PIECE OF CRAP, WE MIGHT JUST LEARN
WHO YOU ARE.
Sorry. I get a little testy when people abuse their megaphones. And, geez, I haven’t even mentioned Kong’s new skeletal weaponized arm brace. What moron thought, “Huh. Well, he could be destructier?” Remember when Kong was just into white women? Where did that go? Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is a film that will probably entertain your monster-loving child. It’s not the worst monster film I’ve seen; it’s not even the worst film I saw in March. Far from it. But if you’re looking for something to build on Godzilla Minus One, this ain’t it. This one builds on Godzilla vs. Kong … and it didn’t get any less stupid or more forgettable in the process.
There once was a great ape named Kong
Who scoured a realm far and long
His dominance defied
He got help, bona fide
Needing a friend isn’t weak; it is strong
Rated PG-13, 115 Minutes
Director: Adam Wingard
Writer: Terry Rossio, Simon Barrett, Jeremy Slater
Genre: Big dumb monsters
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Me, age 7
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me, age … older than 7
