He’s boring. She’s boring. Oh no! She’s dead! How will I ever replace her? Well … welcome to the plot of Someone Like You.
That “one in a million” girl? Replaceable. That’s the biggest takeaway I get from this edition of Christian Propaganda Weekly. Before I go on … I hate that I have to reiterate this but – NO ONE and I repeat NO ONE is persecuting American Christians in any way-shape, or form. The fact that these thinly-veiled Christian sermons poorly disguised as entertainment can appear in major theaters throughout the country is evidence of such. The converse, however, isn’t even close to true. It’s not universal, of course, but try telling that to the transgender kid down the block or the pre-teen pregnant by rape.
The latest Christian snoozefest gives hope to boring Christian lovers everywhere that -just in case- their deceased lovers are indeed replaceable. I’m immediately reminded of the Larry Miller punchline: “Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, ‘By the way, do you have a twin?’ “
London (Sarah Fisher) and Dawson (Jake Allyn) are a godawful boring couple. Don’t let the unbridled excitement of rock-skipping fool you; neither has much to offer by the way of personality. Geez, I thought young people liked to have fun. Here’s a hint, Romeo: stop talking about your faith. And stop trying to convert her.
In case I couldn’t guess this was a Godsquad special, there were plenty of hints, from the more subtle (like the part where the only black people in the film are either medical professionals or superfluous friends) and the fact that the sets all appear to be somebody’s whitewashed personal property, then the medium hints, like when a full family all get excited over a board game to a death by being struck by a vehicle -which is how people die unexpectedly in Christian films, and finally the obvious clues, like the part where active talk of faith and prayer happen on film by people who are not clergy.
I thought I’d gotten a boon when the modern Tori Spelling wannabe bought it …well, gosh, at least I don’t have to see that actress again.
What do you mean “there’s a twin?” Oh, God, really? NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Dawson has become close with London’s parents and one day everybody talks about the fact that London might have a twin thanks to some IVF leftovers. Sure enough, this Birmingham couple also has a full-blown daughter in Nashville they’ve never heard of. And Dawson is dead set on boring her to death, too.
I kept thinking at this point: what if London’s IVF twin were a boy, huh? Say, movie, would you be cool with Dawson aggressively stalking a would-be male conquest? Go ahead and discuss that, Christians. Discuss as long as you need to. And while we’re there, Dawson finds Andi (Fisher) working in the Nashville zoo. So she’s working in a zoo and she’s not lesbian, um, sure. I suppose they have that.
For a film which discusses the very adult topic of IVF, Someone Like You has all the emotional range of a Jesus wafer. There isn’t an ounce of subtlety in this film. Everybody dons a plastic smile like they’re kept in a cupboard. Uh oh, we have to think about death now; pull out 
the jar of sad. Such fake emotion. This is the direction of somebody who only imagines what families ought to act like: no passive aggression, no negativity, and overenthusiasm for the mundane. Say, is it before or after your exciting board game evening that y’all retreat to the internet to troll trans folks?
Yeah, yeah, save it for people who don’t end a pickle ball game with a high five.
It truly disturbs that the message of this film seems be that all of God’s children are replaceable, like light bulbs or autographed bibles. When people are boring, I suppose there’s some truth to that, unfortunately.
It’s hard to pinpoint the worst part of this boring affair, but I am going to try: for me, it is the disingenuous relationship to IVF presented in the film. And Someone Like You takes place in Alabama, no less, where IVF clinics have been closing forever as a result of Alabama’s ridiculous Pro-Life stance. That’s the Pro-Life stance championed and enforced by American Christians. Let me see if I can put this another way: The forces that went about creating this pro-Christian Alabama narrative all in favor of IVF as a modern scientific wonder are THE EXACT SAME forces that created the circumstances by which Alabama IVF clinics have shut their doors. Congratulations, ultra Christians, by getting your way, you’ve made the world a worse place … and you are the first ones to acknowledge it, although I’m pretty sure you don’t see it that way.
A true Christian faithful in God’s sight
Lost his girlfriend one fateful night
Yet thanks to IVF
There’s limited bereft
For he’ll always have London, right?
Rated PG, 118 Minutes
Director: Tyler Russell
Writer: Karen Kingsbury, Tyler Russell
Genre: Science made stupid
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Christians
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Realists
