Seventy (70) miracles have occurred at the baths of Our Lady of Lourdes in France. The internet said so; hence, it must be true. That seems like a pretty big number until you realize people have been coming to the house of St. Bernadette since the mid-19th century. Heck, since the 1960s, we’ve probably had more miracles from the New York Mets. I’m thinkin’ they should have their own web page.
The scene is Ireland of 1967, which looks bleaker than it does now, apparently. Geez, for such a pretty country, Ireland boasts exactly zero (0) structures that I wish to see more than once. And the interiors are even worse. Geez, no wonder the people are known for heavy drinking. To be fair, all I know of Ireland comes from media and the whole place could use better PR.
Three locals, Lily, Dolly, and Eileen (Maggie Smith, Agnes O’Casey, and Kathy Bates, respectively), have entered a singing contest as The Miracle Club to win a prize of a trip to Lourdes, a place known for The Song of Bernadette, a movie that might make you smile if you’re 80 and really, really Catholic. Not exactly Club Med for The Miracle Club, huh? Is this the Irish Mecca or something? Was second prize two trips to Lourdes?
Why Lourdes? Well, inspired by St. Bernadette, Lourdes is a place of miracles and Agnes has a pre-teen child that doesn’t speak. It seems like this is a choice for this child, in which case a good child psychologist would get there faster than a nun-bath, but what do I k
now? I can’t even recognize quality Irish architecture.
Believe it or not, a singing trio with Kathy Bates on lead to “He’s So Fine” didn’t make the cut, BUT the kid who won would probably rather spend the weekend doing chores than visiting a French nunnery. And here’s where the plot shows up – Chrissie Ahern (Laura Linney), estranged friend and daughter, has returned after four decades to pay respects to her late mother and former friends. Uh oh, there’s bad blood here. Chrissie was engaged to the son of Lily once upon a time. Then she left and he drowned. Guess who everybody blames.
Selling itself on the extraordinary, The Miracle Club turned out to be very ordinary, banking on performances and revelations rather than divinity and exultation. And I guarantee some of the revelations were not presented with heavy Catholics in mind. And on that note, I conclude that this Song of Bernadette wannabe falls shy of the alter, so-to-speak. It’s not a bad film, but it’s not a good film, either, and I can’t really guess the audience it’s supposed to win over, cuz the one it will please will not be drawn to it in the first place.
There was once a Yank named Chrissie
Who began as a hot Irish missy
But her people weren’t keen
With her myopic love scene
And his mother threw the world’s biggest hissy
Rated PG-13, 90 Minutes
Director: Thaddeus O’Sullivan
Writer: Jimmy Smallhorne, Timothy Prager, Joshua D. Maurer
Genre: The hobbies of believers
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Devout Christians who are open to abortion
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Devout Christians who are not
