The hero has OCD. OK, score one for the movie. Ten minutes after, we get the “prophecy of the pangolins.” OK, that’s a winner on intrigue alone. Score two for the movie.
And then the movie stopped scoring. Like at all. For.the.rest.of.the.movie.
After that I learned that pangolins make excellent sycophants, “The Shroud” is a creature made of fear itself, it is an enemy of the king (hold on, movie, I gotta take notes), and our heroes have to find the hidden clues to the hidden pieces of the hidden thing so that it can be assembled and taken to the mystery place.
Gee, film, wanna vague it up a little for me?
Perhaps I should rewind, but I’m not sure that will make it any better. Pre-teens Peter (Sam Everingham) and Verity (Alyla Browne) have just moved to a new house with the parents. The important thing to note here is not that Peter has OCD, but that these two are terrible actors. Sometimes you give them a break because, hey, kids, whaddaya expect? But these two … geez.
It looks like they’re in a suburban residential neighborhood, however, the plot needs them to be across the street from an antiques shop where Peter gets his first “clue” cuz you know how much kids love antiques. Next thing, their new home has a huge sink hole and Peter and Verity (yes, “Verity”) are sucked into the depths of yet another geographical implausibility. To the film’s credit, this gets rid of the parents, who are also bad actors. To the film’s discredit, we still have Peter and Verity … and then a sycophantic pangolin
tells them there’s a prophecy about Peter being a king [the prophecy says nothing about Peter being a really whiny king] and he has to collect pieces to restore the kingdom and defeat The Shroud or some bullshit.
This is one of those fantasy films with dragons and knights and faraway lands, talking animals, and a screenplay that seems to be making it up as they go. Before the end, there will be a dinosaur with OCD (isn’t that just magical?), an insolent pangolin, a manic Yoda-speak lemur, and a whole lot of useless CGI. You know, when I was seven, I might have gone for this crap, but I’d still have preferred Claymation.
The Secret Kingdom is a film that solves every established unsatisfying CGI scene with a new unsatisfying CGI scene. Such kinda defines the movie. Peter makes a lousy hero and the clue-finding seems painfully arbitrary, so the film constantly works in more green-screenery to make you forget that the scenes all suck. Sorry, some of us noticed anyway. 1.5 stars is perhaps generous for this material; I had to acknowledge that the film wasn’t evil, it was just poorly written … and children might go for it anyway. Which is entirely the point.
There once was a boy named Peter
Not exactly a challenge-the-world life beater
But he met a pangolin
And decided it’d be a sin
If Lady Fate arrived and he didn’t greet her
Rated PG, 98 Minutes
Director: Matt Drummond
Writer: Matt Drummond
Genre: Films that make you wish Harry Potter never happened
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno. Pangolins, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Harry Potter fans
